Sunday, January 4, 2015

shut'er down, don't shut'er down?

It's been over 3 months since I've written anything here.

Shut 'er down, don't shut'er down? Shut 'er down, don't shut'er down? Those are the thoughts in my head when I think about this blog. Plenty of times I've had great ideas of things to write about and then I just don't. I stop myself because I start wondering if I'm over-sharing or maybe it will seem like I'm asking for sympathy. Rarely do I feel like I can do any good sharing stories. Then I berate myself because I still read blogs. Every day. My favourites? Personal accounts of life with diabetes (and other stuffs).

I started this blog initially to share and make connections. As the years have gone on (4 years!) I have found myself pulling back more and more from social media. I question it all. I question why I started isolating myself. There are answers. My recent Generalized Anxiety Disorder comes to mind. The fact that people criticize me for being "too negative" or "too crass". Fuck you. Well I say that in my head but in my heart I am crushed and insulted. Despite my profane ridden exterior, I'm sensitive.


What's been going on?
I changed jobs. I started commuting to work by bike. The holidays came and went and I'm the only person I know who loses weight over the holidays as a result of stress and food anxiety. I admitted myself to the hospital one night after a colossal insulin mix-up mistake. My family witnessed my mother suffer a rather severe heart attack. I've spent many hours freezing my ass off on my bike and so few hours sweating buckets on the trainer indoors. I've been keeping a low profile trying to manage my anxiety without resorting to medications.

I've pulled back in an effort to try and be better to myself but all it's done is isolate me even more. Sometimes I feel like my stories and experiences with diabetes and anxiety could possibly aid someone else just like me. Then I run away. Running away emotionally and mentally has been my coping mechanism my entire life. Avoidance is the best medicine I ever learned.

I have things I want to share here. I'm not sure I'm ready to shut'er down just yet but I am on the fence.

12 comments:

  1. What if...the BIG question, what if...

    What if... you did the math and realized that 98,389 people have visited your blog over 4 years?...btw that's a lot of views per day, and THAT assumes you posted every day!

    What if... you bring a smile to a persons lips?

    What if... you make someone think harder?

    What if...you only use the blog to vent?

    What ifs...of course can go on forever...I suppose it will be interesting to see how many people revisit after a 3 month absence. I've checked a number of times over the months...

    Many people are completely unable to share a thought using written words. You are an EXCELLENT writer!

    Hells!...maybe you could switch your blog to following the adventures of those 2 wee plastic people! They seem to be living quite the adventurous life!

    Your blog provided EXTREME and AWESOME insight into life with D, life with GAD, life with wheels, life with commuting(unfortunately), life with computers, life with love...the pictures give context, and they too are awesome!

    What if...you only posted once a month?

    I will be back here soon...I can only hope you are too.

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  2. I would miss you if you weren't here.

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  3. Would it help if I said you were not alone when it comes to paragraph #1. Ideas pop into my head all the time then I worry about being stupid or making it seem like i'm asking for sympathy... but all the therapists in the world will tell you not to impose your thoughts on to other people you don't know what they are thinking. I know I love reading your blog although it makes me upset to hear about the things that hurt you because I don't like to hear about you suffering. But unfortunately knowing that others out there are going through the same things somehow makes us feel better and not alone. If you are up for it, even if you help one person by writing about your shit then you've done a good thing on top of (hopefully) helping yourself. I am not the most articulate or profound person in the world and i am my own worst critic which is why it takes me forever to write just one post! but I feel so accomplished when it is done. I hope you feel the same way. Don't decide to shut it down or keep it going but rather start writing about those things that pop into your brain and see what happens. (I am going to try and do the same thing).. usually it is on my commute or some other long ride that i get my ideas then i don't write the idea down so it just goes away. :) Anywhooo long post to say i hope you keep writing. Oh and I'm glad you moved to closer to home. I hope your mom is on the mend, nothing like seeing a parent be sick to shake your life up. thinking of you xoxo

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  4. Scully, I'll think you're super no matter how much or how little you write. Your new job sounds better than the last, even if it's just that you can commute by bike. So that's something where I wish I was more like you.

    Anyway, I hope that no matter how you're feeling now, it gets better every day going forward.

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  5. A lot has happened to you over the holiday. I wish I could force you to write about it.

    I love your blog. I don't want you to shut er down. It's none of my business.

    I like the way you use "Fuck you" in your posts.

    Don't stop. Or do, if that's what's best for you. But don't!

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  6. Okay. I love having you as a friend, like seriously LOVE it. And the thing is, without our blogs, we would likely never have met. Which would have been a terrible shame.

    You have so much to offer, both with and without diabetes. And I know I've said it before, but I feel I must say it again: Those people who don't appreciate you for who you are, everything that you are, the crassness, the laugh-out-loud funnies, and the heartbreak, they are not worth your time. Not even a second of it!

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  7. The only person you owe anything to is yourself!! So my thought is - don't DELETE the blog, but if you don't feel like writing or aren't ready to share, than don't. But if the day comes when you feel the pull to write something, then do it!! There is no time limit - just do what feels right when it feels right.

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  8. Please don't go! I would miss you even more than I do now. Sometimes I just stop by and reread old posts... you know... 'cause they're awesome.

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  9. I admit - I am a stalker to your blog. As aT1D also, I enjoy checking in on you and reading what you are going through. So I hope you don't shut it down! :)

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  10. Don't go! Keep writing! Even if it is once a year keep doing it.

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  11. One of my favorite things about blogging is that we can make our own rules. That means you can post (or not post) as frequently or infrequently as you decide.

    If you can't tell, I'm in the "stick around" camp.

    Sounds like you've had a lot of things going on, and a lot of change. Sending you lots of love, hugs, and support.

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  12. I'm with Colleen - I'd miss you if you weren't here. (But that's not a reason to stick around.)

    And yes, I've been wondering that same thing about my own blog - whether I should keep it going or not. I've been growing more distanced from this whole community for awhile (which is why I'm here 9 days after it was posted), but I just love your raw, no-BS authenticity. Quite frankly, part of me wishes there were more of you - that might keep me more engaged.

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