It's been over 3 months since I've written anything here.
Shut 'er down, don't shut'er down? Shut 'er down, don't shut'er down? Those are the thoughts in my head when I think about this blog. Plenty of times I've had great ideas of things to write about and then I just don't. I stop myself because I start wondering if I'm over-sharing or maybe it will seem like I'm asking for sympathy. Rarely do I feel like I can do any good sharing stories. Then I berate myself because I still read blogs. Every day. My favourites? Personal accounts of life with diabetes (and other stuffs).
I started this blog initially to share and make connections. As the years have gone on (4 years!) I have found myself pulling back more and more from social media. I question it all. I question why I started isolating myself. There are answers. My recent Generalized Anxiety Disorder comes to mind. The fact that people criticize me for being "too negative" or "too crass". Fuck you. Well I say that in my head but in my heart I am crushed and insulted. Despite my profane ridden exterior, I'm sensitive.
I changed jobs. I started commuting to work by bike. The holidays came and went and I'm the only person I know who loses weight over the holidays as a result of stress and food anxiety. I admitted myself to the hospital one night after a colossal insulin mix-up mistake. My family witnessed my mother suffer a rather severe heart attack. I've spent many hours freezing my ass off on my bike and so few hours sweating buckets on the trainer indoors. I've been keeping a low profile trying to manage my anxiety without resorting to medications.
I've pulled back in an effort to try and be better to myself but all it's done is isolate me even more. Sometimes I feel like my stories and experiences with diabetes and anxiety could possibly aid someone else just like me. Then I run away. Running away emotionally and mentally has been my coping mechanism my entire life. Avoidance is the best medicine I ever learned.
I have things I want to share here. I'm not sure I'm ready to shut'er down just yet but I am on the fence.