Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Diseased, who said diseased?

naaaaah, I'm not diseased.

Shhh... I know I'm still diseased.

I mentioned in my last post that I switched jobs. I finally fell apart with my long commute one day and started perusing jobs online. It was just out of curiosity but y'know how fast things happen. It happened. A job offer happened followed by a resignation happening and then.... my last day of work happened. My departure was with great regret though. The only reason drawing me to this new job was the location, 20km from home. The job itself didn't seem too promising but I needed to give it a try.

That's not the point of this post though.

Social media and my anxiety over the years has caused me to start hiding my diabetes. Most people feel empowered finding online connections but all it did was make me retreat. Every time I go on the diabetes internets I get overwhelmed. It's actually a large reason why I quit the pump also.

I hate starting new jobs and having to explain diabetes. I was putting it off. Then I realized one night while talking to Ryan that this fetid wretched disease has remain unnoticed to my co-workers so far. I relished the feeling (I hate relish btw) of ANONYMITY. I liked it so much in fact that I decided to see how long I could go before fuckhead (diabetes) blows my cover. All it takes is someone hearing the beeps of my glucose meter one too many times or coming by my desk while I'm scarfing back glucose tablets. Or injecting insulin with a syringe - the most shocking to those not "in the know".

(yeah, thats a cute little ferret bum in the corner)

I've never felt so empowered by HIDING something I swore I never would. I was always the flamboyant gay of the diabetes world. Loud and proud. It started becoming a game. It wasn't just the diabetes though. I was hiding being vegan and having celiac. Nobody knew and now I wanted to keep it that way. Please, for just a little bit longer, I didn't want to be judged.
I was normal. I was like..... someone without diabetes and it's been shockingly blissful. I kind of feel like a rebel and I don't give a damn that it makes me feel GOOD.

When you live with this wretched disease you forget what it's like to not feel oppressed until you get a taste of normal.

It's been 2 months. They know I am vegan and celiac. They've seen my tattoos sneak out from under my sleeve. Do they know about fuckhead diabetes yet? Not really. I briefly mentioned it once at an xmas party in a dark and loud room while having a conversation about health. I immediately regretted saying something but the person I was talking to seemed not to notice. Maybe they didn't hear me... I secretly hope. 

Do I ever plan on having that "fucking talk"? Nope. No thank you. Honestly, I really don't give a fuck if there's an emergency. I do just fine as it is. I don't go telling every stranger I see. I don't go telling every person I have more than a 5 minute conversation with. I just don't give a fuck about the "what ifs". If something that bad is going to happen, I DON'T CARE. Since leaving the stupid pump to collect dust in our storage room, I no longer have those visible cues. It's a side effect of injections that I love.

(Pssst..... we're gonna ignore the insulin mix-up ER visit 2 weeks ago for this post.)

Going on 13 years and so far nobody has ever needed to know apart from my significant others and close friends. No, no spin instructors or teachers of any kind. No fucking flight attendants or taxi drivers. The whole world does NOT need to know.

I just want to BE without being someone with a chronic disease even though I am someone with a chronic disease (or two). At least in the eyes of my co-workers. Work has become somewhat of a sanctuary and emotionally it's a place where "nobody knows my name." Also obvious because they all call me Christine. They don't need to know and for now, I'm going to enjoy living in anonymity because it's FUCKING FREEING.

7 comments:

  1. Thank you! I feel that on so many levels. The other day I had a talk about diabetes with a coworker and lived to regret it. Sometimes it's ok but for theost part I too like to keep diabetes discreet of not completely unnoticeable to strangers, coworkers, etc. really it's just my husband I feel fully confident in front of - whether it's injecting or talking about it.. Side note : I am considering getting a medical id though in case I do pass out.. And I'm so glad your blog is still here ;) <3

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  2. I remember the very first time I met you and I called you Chris and I was scared you were going to clock me by the look on your face. Until I said my name and you softened and hushedly told me everyone calls you Scully.

    I never bring up my diabetes unless it's obvious. I was using my pump at my old job giving a bolus, and someone asked what it was. I said "and insulin pump" and went on. It's pretty nice not having to explain everything.

    My current job is obviously a little different, but it's also nice because I am not a fucking anomaly.

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  3. I feel like it's a band aid kind of thing: Either tell everything all at once, or let it sink in after a while. As long as you get to decide what to share and when to share it, that's a win.

    And... who is this Christine person you speak of?

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  4. I read this post yesterday and it's been on my mind ever since. Because, really, I admire you for doing what feels right to you! Nobody needs to know if you don't want them to.

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  5. I've felt this exact same way...along with many others, I'm sure. I have anxiety as well, and sometimes I feel like diabetes just ramps up the anxiety level. Anyhoo, I took a break from the pump for the last year or two. Just got back on it now 'cause I got tired of doing multiple shots, and I feel like it's easier to deal with in some ways. I don't really like bringing it up with every single person I meet either. If it comes up (or has to come up), okay, but sometimes I just don't feel like sharing and dealing with all of it. In short, I feel ya, girl!

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  6. Or maybe that person you mentioned diabetes to just doesn't really care. Most people really don't give a crap about other people, and unless you shove it in their faces, they'll just let you go on with your own world, and they'll go on with theirs.

    Also, this post is making me think of replacing my medical ID bracelet with more modern terminology. Then again, having "Type 1 Fuckhead" on my list may not be such a good idea...

    Hope the job/commute is going well. That's the whole reason you switched, isn't it?

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