Monday, August 25, 2014

Anxiety is at the bottom of the triangle

Well if I'm going to start anywhere it should be at the bottom.

It rules my life.
It ruins my life.

(Please excuse my shitty Microsoft Paint skills)

No doctor has officially diagnosed me with any sort of anxiety disorder. Probably because I'm always going to docs with physical ailments. Stomach cramps, nausea, dizziness et al. One doc got close and gave me an IBS diagnosis which is pretty much stress and anxiety induced distress.

Over the years I've come to understand that my issues are anxiety. I can pinpoint when it started too. I did have a lot of on and off undiagnosable issues growing up. Looking back it was most likely anxiety. The real turning point was about 10 years ago. I was in a relationship with a man I eventually married and then quickly divorced. That relationship was heavy on the mental strain and trauma but I didn't really see it at the time. The damage was cumulative and when I started losing my shit I began getting dangerous panic attacks. Still, I didn't know at that point. It wasn't him, it was how we were and how I let the relationship exist around me for so many years.

During the separation I was the worst mess I've ever been. I tried a few different anti-depressants but none of them really helped until I went on a stronger more anti-anxiety specific drug. I started to feel better, more human. I still didn't see that my problem was anxiety. I was pretty stupid really.

Ah but then last year I embarked on an almost 12 month journey to get off them. The problems started coming back. Here's the thing though, my symptoms don't typically present themselves as textbook anxiety. I dismissed it because of that. I get stomach cramps, nausea, dizziness and a whole hoard of other physical symptoms. I wasn't denying that coming off the drugs made me feel worse, I just thought I had to adjust to being off them. Since then I've had loads of friends and people I don't even know come and tell me they've experienced the same things.

Then I really started thinking about it and I mean REALLY. I thought about the times I felt the worst and what was happening. I thought about what stresses me out and began making connections to everything in my life. People, racing, commuting, events, planning things, social outings and food... FOOD. Food is the bane of my existence. Diabetes didn't make the list surprisingly enough.

There are a few things that will require their own blog posts that connect all of this together:
1. Food
2. Work
3. Sensory processing disorder
4. Athletics

I am 99% sure I need to go back on the drugs. I am 100% trying to find any way possible to manage without them. 1% of me that's left is crying for help.

I haven't decided which blog post is next. Feel free to tell me what you want to read about most.


  1. Scully, to deal with the every day crap that you go through, and then write about it makes you a very brave soul. Even if it doesn't feel like it all the time. I support you, no matter what. Glad to see you're writing more.

  2. I am recommending yours to her and hers to you:

    I am blessed to know two fabulous women who are getting off anxiety meds simultaneously. I've got the luck.

  3. Hello Scully! That Is my friend Katy up there who connected us and pointed me at this post, which is absolutely wonderful. Your percentages are INSPIRATIONAL and 100% BADASS. I'm keeping them in my head. And I'd vote for a next blog on food.


    1. holy shit.
      I had to go and read a few posts and got totally caught up. Katy is pretty darn amazing and I LOVE your writing. You write the way I aspire to! shitballs. anxiety sucks. Food'll be up next then.

    2. Look at you two. Aren't you so similar? And Catherine's husband is an extreme athlete, and Scully is an extreme athlete. Scully is like Catherine's writing and anxiety plus Mr. Catherine's sports intensity all balled up in one beautiful woman.

  4. So, it seems that you (like me) believe that IBS is an acronym for Indecipherable Bullshit. It's a name attached to a series of symptoms that does nothing to address the cause, but it allows the doctor to put another checkmark in his "successful diagnoses" column.

    I say you go with #2 next - because that's a source of anxiety for pretty much everyone and lots of folks can relate. I'm curious about #3 because I really don't know what it is. #4 is the one positive on the list, and I think that should be saved for when you're feeling really down. And it seems you've already talked about #1, and I'm sure you're in no hurry to go back and discuss it again, so I don't know when you need to go and tackle that issue - but that's a biggie and I'm not certain this blog is the place to do it. But then again, what do I know?

    Just trying to help, and am nowhere near qualified to do so. Listen to Katy-- she's better at this than me.

    1. I'm gonna write about all the topics. Since you voted 2nd i'll do work after food.
      that's exactly how I felt about the IBS diagnosis. and I can't tell you how much I adore the "INDECIPHERABLE BS"!!! that's exactly what it is! since everybody at some point in their life deals with IBS.. it's just varying degrees of annoying. I don't trust it at all.

  5. I have a few thoughts. And because I am a blogger, for some reason I feel like I need to write them down (said with intended sarcasm).

    I have a lot of stomach problems with no diagnosis. At one point the gastroenterologist decided that I must just have "diabetes stomach." Umm... that is NOT a thing. I can't imagine how frustrated you must be!

    I totally get the frustration with anxiety meds. Been there, done that. Have the prescription pad. I also have several friends who don't want to take meds or try to wean themselves off of them. But you know how we mock Halle Berry for saying she weaned herself off insulin? It's silly, some of our bodies just need external insulin to function. How is it different that some of us need external aids to make the neurotransmitters in our brain work? (I realize easier said than done)


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