Friday, August 22, 2014

A directionless direction

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day about life, the future and anxiety. I haven’t been totally forthcoming with my issues and keep a lot of it inside. This seems to put me in a precarious situation with a fine balance between resentment and depression towards many things.

She was trying to help me find a way to manage my anxiety and we got on the topic of writing. Not necessarily writing for the sake of public viewing but writing in general. She asked me what I would choose to do with my work life if money weren’t an issue. She said she would write because she loves to write. I love to write also.

I often feel like all I do is complain. Its something ingrained deep within my soul. I remember my father giving a eulogy at my Nana’s (his mother’s) funeral. It was the sweetest thing I’d ever heard (and the only time I’ve EVER seen my dad cry). He talked about how Nana, no matter what life dealt her, never complained. He talked about their long arduous and hellish boat trip from England to North America. He spoke about the hard financial struggles of eking out a life in a new country. He spoke about how hard he has tried to adopt that non-complaining way of living. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how much my dad is like his mother. How he was able to be such a non-complainer in a world that is cruel. Raising my two siblings and myself was probably a feat of massive proportions. From that day forward I decided I want to be like my dad and my Nana. I don’t want to be one of those people that complains all the time and so I set out on a mission. Even though I am cynically pessimistic. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to "Life's Mission". That was about 8 years ago. I have failed time and time again but inside the thoughts are always there. 

I stopped blogging awhile back (or at least not very often) because I felt like I was complaining too much. I have 32 unpublished blog posts (which will remain unpublished). I try to tell stories without the bitching but when I read them back all I see is complaining hiding behind humour. People tell me my perception is wrong and it’s not like that at all. I let them humour me but I know underneath it all I am bitching.

I thought long and hard about my friends’ desire to write for the sake of writing. My whole life, I’ve always adored writing about my experiences and adventures. Even when I tell stories face to face my primary goal is to express the feelings from those moments, not so much the plot. I really love to write whether I’m good at it or not. 

Last night I had a dream about reading old journals and diaries of which I haven’t kept for many, MANY years.

So, in an effort to try and re-organize my life and send it in a different – unknown – direction, I am going to test out the writing waters. Bear with me because I haven’t got a clue what the end goal is. This may be nothing to do with diabetes, a rule I always vowed to follow for this blog. What I do know is that I need some help with my debilitating anxiety issues. I need help finding a direction in life with work and athletics. I don’t know where I’m going but something needs to change. Even if nobody reads it or it seems like I’m being one of those annoying bloggers. I still don’t know how I feel about “BLOGGING” in general.


Also, along the "out of my comfort zone" lines, here is a selfie. Why is this selfie so important? Because this is the picture I sent to the same friend with the note that I hate selfies but for her, I'd make an exception. I was already out on my Saturday ride. She was nervous about an event that morning so I gave her a nerdy "thumbs up".

6 comments:

  1. When you battle so much shit, diabetes, GI issues, depression, anxiety, it is SO hard to look at everything in a positive light. I get it. I think it's a totally awesome thing to try and do. Looking forward to the writing you want to share. Good luck!

    That selfie is awesome by the way, in the cheesiest of ways.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I look forward to reading about this journey of yours. I'm sure it won't be easy but the best things rarely are.

    And I wouldn't worry too much about trying to be exactly like your Nana. Not everything has to be positive and the odd complaint here and there is perfectly acceptable. My Irish Nana sounds a lot like your English one. I have heard the odd rumble come out of her mouth and still think she's pretty damn amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sometimes, complaining can be good ... it's liberating ... and it draws in the readers who, in many cases, can relate but may be too self-conscious to comment themselves.

    I understand the desire to project yourself in a more positive way, but only do it if it makes you FEEL more positive too. I always think of a letter that was published in Diabetes Mine several Saturdays ago where the writer accused the site of being too "Mickey Mouse".

    We don't want (ok... *I* don't want) you to become Mickey Mouse-like. I don't want to see you gushing over the latest piece of technology, or a new diabetes-focused children's book, or a support group in Saskatoon. Because I know that's not the kind of stuff that makes you happy. You're authentic, and we will see right through the forced positivity.

    With that said, your authenticity also shines through when you describe your wilderness-honeymoon, and the honest-to-goodness joy that filled you during those days was something I could feel as I read it. I know you can be happy, and I know you can find happiness to balance out the crappiness.

    Just, please, be honest and tell both sides of the story of life. Be yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Scott I always appreciate your words. I don't think I could ever go as far as Mickey Mousing myself. That's how I was forced to be when I was on Team Type 1 and I'll never go back to those fake ways again. I actually stopped reading the 'Mine because of that. I used to love it when it was Amy writing about her experiences but now? Now I won't read it unless there's something really worthwhile which is never.

      Delete
    2. Just to be clear...I'm not criticizing the 'Mine (just referencing the letter). But while I know that the stuff on that site is true to their authors and how they feel, it wouldn't be true if your name was on the by-line. I'm just hope for you to be honest and not to hide behind a happy non-complaining facade... and it seems you've already committed to that.

      Delete
  4. Your complaining is never annoying or lame. Know what I mean?

    Also: Look at you! You are so pretty!

    Probably both of those items are super-annoyingly beside the point.

    ReplyDelete

Due to low life spam monkeys I am forced to moderate comments and I hate it (But I hate spam monkeys more)