Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Training Camp or ...?

Training Camp Courtesy of Coach Chris

I returned late Sunday night from a week of training camp in South Carolina. Since I've been back it's been a whirlwind of questions from myself to myself. I came back with a lot of mixed feelings.

Let me get this straight, if you've read my past few posts you know I've not been well. If you've read my blog for any length of time you also know I have a huge heart and desire to race bikes but most of the time I just don't make the cut.

So here's the low down on my week:

I went down there knowing that 3 days after my return I would be getting skewered. Tomorrow I am having an endoscopy immediately followed by a colonoscopy. So I travelled south with trepidation and anxiety. Would I be able to ride? Might I miss rides due to my health? Maybe. Possibly. I'll keep that in mind.

Last night I finally got the opportunity to talk to Ryan about it. Although we were in contact almost constantly, he wasn't there for all the gritty details. While I was talking to him I was choking back tears. My week was awful. I signed up for this training camp because it was affordable and my teammate and best friend Shelly would be with me. The closer we got to the week the worse the state of my health got.

I have trouble eating anything at any point during the day. The weight I've lost has stayed stable which means I am somehow maintaining it. I question if that's consuming carbs to chase lows and not actually fueling with proper nutrition. In the span of a week I lost 3lbs from simply NOT being able to stomach much. That's starvation. That's putting out too many calories on the bike and being in a constant deficit. That means that I was riding on empty nearly the entire time. Probably burning muscle for fuel.

What was I to do? Go all the way there and NOT ride? I am too stubborn for that. I wanted to believe I could just ride through it and find my normal. So I rode. I suffered when it should have been easy. I hung off the back and got dropped many times. Near the end of the week I was a motherfucking wreck. I was empty. I was broken down. 

Ryan told me I am different since being back. The spark and cheer is drained from my life. I am a bit of a shell emotionally and physically. After telling Ryan just how much I suffered on so many levels he looked me straight in the face and said, "You can't keep doing this." He's right. I can train and ride when I feel able to. I can still put the hours on the bike but the idea of racing is probably going to go by the wayside for now. At least until I can find out what's wrong with me and find a way to fix it.

There were many times I enjoyed the riding. It was freeing just to be on my bike OUTSIDE for the first time since December. So many times I had big smiles flying down mountains. However, underneath it all I was rapidly degrading and hiding it all. 

Except for Shelly, she saw it all. She saw me eat next to nothing. It's an odd thing when you suddenly find yourself spending 24/7 with someone. They witness things I have been desperately trying to hide.


I might write more about the actual riding but for now, this is all I got. 

10 comments:

  1. I'm sorry it's so hard. Good luck with those scopys. I hope you'll write more soon.

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  2. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you're pretty strong riding without any fuel. Not that I recommend it. Keep your head up.

    By the way, love that photo at the end.

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  3. I really hope that in your future memoir, this will be the I-can't-take-it-anymore low point that comes right before the awesome, life-changing "And THEN" moment. May the procedures go smoothly and may they light the way to the easy, great health you deserve and work so hard for.

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  4. I hope they figure out what's going on. Take care of yourself. If you write a memoir, let me know...:)

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  5. I really hope they figure this out for you Scully!

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  6. Wow. This post is so incredibly heart breaking. I really hope the tests help you figure out what the eff is going on! You're super awesome whether racing or not, but we want you back on that bike - happy!

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  7. Your Strava data still makes my March rides look more like strolls down the boardwalk.
    Ride for the enjoyment. Ride for the smiles. Worry about the racing once you've nailed down the health issues. Then, once they're sorted, you'll be in a good place mentally and physically to tear up the pavement!

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  8. Dude, do you have any idea how much ass you are going to kick once you get this thing figured out and are feeling healthy? Holy shit, yo!

    I cannot wait. You deserve some bike riding ecstasy in your life.

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  9. I know this post is a couple of days old and the tests/scopes/procedures are likely done by now, but I HOPE HOPE HOPE that something good comes out of this and someone finds out what's wrong...and how to fix it.

    On the bright side, you're lucky to have someone like Ryan to talk to, to be with you, and see you through this.

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  10. I posted a couple of days ago but I think spam monkeys ate it. Can't remember what I said, but the gist was: 1. I'm sorry, this fucking sucks. 2. I hope the scopes went well.. 3. Did they check you for cancer? Totally horrible but important. 4. I hope the colonoscopy led to a LOT of fart jokes...

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Due to low life spam monkeys I am forced to moderate comments and I hate it (But I hate spam monkeys more)