Tuesday, November 12, 2013

...not giving a shit

I don't know what it is with me lately. I just feel so overwhelmed with documenting and keeping track of things in the DOC and social media in general.

It started about 9 or 10 months ago when I quit my insulin pump.

I had no idea this thing was going to completely change my life. (for the second time)
 
I don't know if it's my anxiety, or my lack of things to talk about. I don't even know why I started writing this blog post. I miss writing. I'm notorious for sticking my foot in my mouth and saying things I should probably keep to myself. So pardon me, I'm actually trying not to say much while still saying something.

I'm tired of other people's diabetes and reading about it. I know, what a bitch! (it's kind of true, the bitch part and the tired part)

I guess I've found such a beautiful calm in my own management with my more minimalist approach. Doing away with the insulin pump, graphs, cgms and fancy glucose meters. No logging software or carb counting or copious amounts of endless medical supplies. It's a feeling I haven't been able to express. The other night I had coffee with an old friend. After about an hour he asked why I hadn't checked my pump or my glucose. I told him I did away with the pump and went back to shots. Actually I told him "diabetes just wasn't working for me." I was obviously joking. He made a comment about how he was so used to something going awry.

Maybe I wasn't meant for the pump? Maybe my obsessive anxious personality was just overly burdened with it. Not really a maybe that was more of a true statement. I think I know me pretty well. It just made me feel like I was giving myself a giant pity party and I kind of was. Wearing that thing certainly made me feel sorry for myself instead of empowered and secure.

All I keep thinking is, "I've lessened the mental burden 10-fold" on myself and the way I deal with my diabetes. It's not the forefront of my everyday thoughts anymore. How could I not see this before?

So when I see all the stuff online I kind of just want to walk away because it's too much. I don't really talk or comment or engage in conversations any more in fact I go out of my way to avoid it. Mostly because it just sets off my anxiety. I try to comment on blogs but a lot of the time I won't even read them out of anxiety.

I feel like a big fat bitch to be honest.

It's not you.... it's ME!

So, I have been writing less because I have less to write about. WHY? Because there is very little going on in the diabetes aspect of my life. This should be a good thing but yet it makes me feel bad.

I'll be around to write about random things here and there but really, I'm a bad advocate because I kind of don't give a shit any more. I'm not even all that interested in offline D-stuff.

11 year hump? I wouldn't call it burnout because I am still very present and active in my management and I'm in the best diabetes health of my whole dlife.

I may have successfully managed to keep my foot on the ground this time.

15 comments:

  1. Dude, you are NOT a bitch. I go through this phase at least once a year. I feel guilty about how much more *engaged* with diabetes everyone else is, and I feel bad for wanting everyone to stop talking for just a few seconds. You are not a bad advocate -- you're a living, breathing, bicycling example of someone who's found a little bit of peace with your self-care. I don't read your blog or count you as a friend because we both have diabetes; it's because I think you're rad and I like the way you think and write. So go ahead and write about whatever. I'll still read.

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  2. Me too. I've hit a wall. With the writing about/wondering about/complaining. I'm glad you wrote this.

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  3. Thank you guys. I just don't want to come across as not caring about people because I do. A lot of this is me learning this life of un-(less)medicated anxiety disorder also.

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  4. Hey, you've gotta do what works for you. If it's working, what's the problem? But if I had a dollar for every time someone said "It's not you... it's me", I'd be rich! Just kidding. Thanks for saying what you have to say.

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  5. Yeah, I'm there too. I don't think my D control is necessarily better since ditching my pump (and all the obsessive documenting/counting etc.), but I don't think it's worse. I pumped/CGM'd for about 7 of my now 26 years with diabetes, and they were by far the most stressful, D-wise, of the lot. When I started my photo blog, one of my goals was *not* to make diabetes the star of the show. It hasn't been hard. Anyway, it's great to know that you and others are there, too.

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  6. You've gotta do you, dude. Nobody thinks you're a bitch for doing what you need/want to do in order to be healthy, happy Scully.

    Ditto Jacquie's sentiment - we read you because you're YOU. Write whatevah. :)

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  7. Wow, I could have written this, except I'm T2 and not on insulin. I've chosen to step away a bit from social media and somewhat from my blogging and advocacy. It just feels so overwhelming at times. Glad your D management has simplified. Nice to have a life, right?

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  8. Chris, You are so NOT a bitch! I totally feel what you are saying. I often feel like a leper because Diabetes does not consume my whole life - she is not in charge of my every thought and that felt a bit weird - bc everything online is about how hard D is... Don't get me wrong, D is hard but I find it very manageable too. I have never used a pump or CGM etc. I never felt a need to do it. I stopped blogging over year ago (maybe longer??) and I don't miss it. I was always at a loss for things to say. I think the liberation you are feeling confirms that I have made the right choice. Thanks for writing this post - thanks for being honest :-)

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  9. Understood completely. Reading PWD blogs is informative, entertaining, etc. But it can really be a downer because Diabetes seems to be on your mind for 48 hours a day.

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  10. You're a good egg, you! And I'm really glad that you've got something that's working for your 'betes. But really, as long as I've known you, I've always thought about you as an athlete and a friend, not as someone with diabetes. Sure, most of us know you *because* of diabetes, but I doubt that anyone reading your blog keeps coming back for that reason. Keep doin' your thing.

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  11. Dude -
    Diabetes gets overwhelming -so does blogging about diabetes.
    We love and read you because of who you are - your funny insights & tell it like it is and take no prisoners attitude. Yeah, writing about diabetes is how we found you - but it's not why we stay.
    Blog about whatever floats your boat - or not.
    But know that we got your back sista!!
    YOU. ROCK.

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  12. I'm kinda in the same place right now -- overwhelmed by life and finding that there are much happier ways to spend my recreational time than to devote it to focusing deeply on some stupid disease. This attitude just happened suddenly and unexpectedly, but the more time I let pass, the less I feel the urge to read (or write) diabetes blogs -- I'm right now in the midst of a lengthy (and spontaneous) hiatus on my blog.

    Part of my attitude is one that I won't discuss now -- I need to choose my words carefully so as to not accidentally insult anyone, but for the past week or so, I've been telling myself that I'm turning into Scully.

    I'm proud of you for standing up to the mob and calling it how you see it, and not how etiquette tells you that you should see it.

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  13. I don't read your blog because you're diabetic... I read it because you're Canadian. (ha) But ditto on everyone else's comment about how I found you and why I follow.

    Sometimes I wonder if folks who started their blogs because of a need to vent and/or advocate about diabetes later feel obligated to continue to focus on diabetic issues rather than anything else in their lives? If so, it's kind of a shame, because we are so much more than our medical files suggest.

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  14. I had started reading your blog because I was new to the DOC and T1. I needed to find others with the same issues so I could navigate this disease. I became a regular reader because of your love of adventure and your dedication to Sexy (uh....your bike). You showed me that I could be T1 and still love to ride my bike, challenge myself and be active!

    I've enjoyed reading about your move and your new partner in life. Your tough mudder experiences had me laughing out loud (and wondering if I could ever consider doing one).

    I have always enjoyed reading your blog because of the absolute honesty you write with, and the filter-less-ness of your take on everything. And after all this time following your blog, I would still enjoy it all the same if you never wrote about diabetes. I just enjoy reading about it all. You are one bad-ass bitch!!!




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