It started about 9 or 10 months ago when I quit my insulin pump.
I had no idea this thing was going to completely change my life. (for the second time)
I'm tired of other people's diabetes and reading about it. I know, what a bitch! (it's kind of true, the bitch part and the tired part)
I guess I've found such a beautiful calm in my own management with my more minimalist approach. Doing away with the insulin pump, graphs, cgms and fancy glucose meters. No logging software or carb counting or copious amounts of endless medical supplies. It's a feeling I haven't been able to express. The other night I had coffee with an old friend. After about an hour he asked why I hadn't checked my pump or my glucose. I told him I did away with the pump and went back to shots. Actually I told him "diabetes just wasn't working for me." I was obviously joking. He made a comment about how he was so used to something going awry.
Maybe I wasn't meant for the pump? Maybe my obsessive anxious personality was just overly burdened with it. Not really a maybe that was more of a true statement. I think I know me pretty well. It just made me feel like I was giving myself a giant pity party and I kind of was. Wearing that thing certainly made me feel sorry for myself instead of empowered and secure.
All I keep thinking is, "I've lessened the mental burden 10-fold" on myself and the way I deal with my diabetes. It's not the forefront of my everyday thoughts anymore. How could I not see this before?
So when I see all the stuff online I kind of just want to walk away because it's too much. I don't really talk or comment or engage in conversations any more in fact I go out of my way to avoid it. Mostly because it just sets off my anxiety. I try to comment on blogs but a lot of the time I won't even read them out of anxiety.
I feel like a big fat bitch to be honest.
It's not you.... it's ME!
So, I have been writing less because I have less to write about. WHY? Because there is very little going on in the diabetes aspect of my life. This should be a good thing but yet it makes me feel bad.
I'll be around to write about random things here and there but really, I'm a bad advocate because I kind of don't give a shit any more. I'm not even all that interested in offline D-stuff.
11 year hump? I wouldn't call it burnout because I am still very present and active in my management and I'm in the best diabetes health of my whole dlife.
I may have successfully managed to keep my foot on the ground this time.