Friday, November 29, 2013

My dysfunctional relationship with food

Food is a common topic here at Can-D Gal. There are many reasons for that. Diabetes fist fucks us into a world of numbers. Carb to insulin ratios and fat and protein factors. None of us wants to be THAT person who pulls out a scale and a calculator while trying to decipher food labels. We don’t always have a choice. We do whatever we can to make managing blood sugar a wee bit easier because that - in turn - makes our lives just a wee bit easier.

Naturally this put me in a slight OCD food situation which subsequently furthered my dysfunctional relationship with it.

I’ve struggled with food related issues my whole fucking life. My first memories are from when I was a child. Maybe 10 or 11 years old. Details at this point are not important but it’s been such a re-occurring theme in my life. Eventually food just became a giant bitch and I learned to see it as the enemy.
SIX years I was sick after the diabetes diagnosis. Sick with undiagnosed celiac disease. Enter a fist fucked forced gluten free lifestyle. Fucking yay. Can you see the fist fucking theme?

I’ve been a vegetarian since about the age of 18. Partially for ethical reasons and partially because I just never liked meat. I’ve had people ask me when I was going to “grow up and out of this phase”. The answer is never folks, so quit acting like it’s childish because I really don’t appreciate it. Two years ago I cut out almost all dairy initially as an experiment. I had heard and read many things about how dairy effects blood sugar. When I saw my very first sub 7% A1C in 10 years with diabetes I was sold. I didn’t care and had learned to live without dairy or with very little of it. That was my choice – I understand. Earlier this year Ryan and I went the next step and went on an egg research frenzy. We didn’t like what we learned and we were already on the edge of not trusting the food industry so we did away with eggs. Another choice of my own – I know.

Then more recently I learned through horrible experimenting that my body can’t tolerate sugar of almost any kind.

Where does this all leave me?

Pissed off and confused to begin with. Fist fucked? Kind of self-inflicted actually. Sorry for the imagery.

Vegan. Gluten free. Sugar free. And the worst of it? PB free.

What’s more, what does that leave me WITH? It’s a two way street. On one hand shopping is easy because 75% of the grocery store is off limits. I’ve never eaten so well and been so proud of my own nutrition. I can trust that I am taking the best care of my body on that aspect. I can attribute my better diabetes self-management to my insane will power with food. I believe my weight loss is from that too. But why do I have insane will power? (see the other hand…)

On the other hand… I feel like I’ve fucked myself up. Eating out? Dinner with friends and family? All gone to shit. People’s perception of me? They think I’m fucked up. My view of food? VERY dysfunctional. I see it more as medicine than I do something to be enjoyed. Food comes with diabetes guilt. Most food makes me feel fucking sick.

I try all the time to pretend like it doesn’t bother me when really I feel like I’ve lost a part of my soul. A part I see flourish in other people and aid in the simple pleasures of life. I see it but I feel alienated. I realize some of these dietary restrictions are my own choice and I don’t HAVE to live this way. Except that I value my health and the moment I can prove that something makes my diabetes life any little bit better, is worth it to me.

But to what end?

2 comments:

  1. I'm at my in-laws right now for Thanksgiving and they don't know a goddamn thing about diabetes. They have NO food here that I can eat, so for the last 3 days I've literally only eaten toast and the granola bars I was smart enough to bring from home. I actually hate Thanksgiving for all the reasons you mention. It's just a big 'ol fucking plate of shit I'm not going to eat because it's not worth how it will make me feel, but is sucks watching everyone else laugh and enjoy it.

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  2. i'm still devastated that you can't have your favorite peanut butter. i was thinking the only food everyone can agree on is avocados. (ordinaries, diabetics, vegans, paleos...) maybe also lemons?

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