Food is a common topic here at Can-D Gal. There are many reasons for that. Diabetes fist fucks us into a world of numbers. Carb to insulin ratios and fat and protein factors. None of us wants to be THAT person who pulls out a scale and a calculator while trying to decipher food labels. We don’t always have a choice. We do whatever we can to make managing blood sugar a wee bit easier because that - in turn - makes our lives just a wee bit easier.
Naturally this put me in a slight OCD food situation which
subsequently furthered my dysfunctional relationship with it.
I’ve struggled with food related issues my whole fucking
life. My first memories are from when I was a child. Maybe 10 or 11 years old.
Details at this point are not important but it’s been such a re-occurring theme
in my life. Eventually food just became a giant bitch and I learned to see it
as the enemy.
SIX years I was sick after the diabetes diagnosis. Sick with
undiagnosed celiac disease. Enter a fist fucked forced gluten free lifestyle.
Fucking yay. Can you see the fist fucking theme?
I’ve been a vegetarian since about the age of 18. Partially
for ethical reasons and partially because I just never liked meat. I’ve had
people ask me when I was going to “grow up and out of this phase”. The answer
is never folks, so quit acting like it’s childish because I really don’t
appreciate it. Two years ago I cut out almost all dairy initially as an
experiment. I had heard and read many things about how dairy effects blood
sugar. When I saw my very first sub 7% A1C in 10 years with diabetes I was
sold. I didn’t care and had learned to live without dairy or with very little
of it. That was my choice – I understand. Earlier this year Ryan and I went the
next step and went on an egg research frenzy. We didn’t like what we learned
and we were already on the edge of not trusting the food industry so we did
away with eggs. Another choice of my own – I know.
Then more recently I learned through horrible experimenting
that my body can’t tolerate sugar of almost any kind.
Where does this all leave me?
Pissed off and confused to begin with. Fist fucked? Kind of self-inflicted actually. Sorry for the imagery.
Vegan. Gluten free. Sugar free. And the worst of it? PB
What’s more, what does that leave me WITH? It’s a two way
street. On one hand shopping is easy because 75% of the grocery store is off
limits. I’ve never eaten so well and been so proud of my own nutrition. I can
trust that I am taking the best care of my body on that aspect. I can attribute my
better diabetes self-management to my insane will power with food. I believe my
weight loss is from that too. But why do I have insane will power? (see the
On the other hand… I feel like I’ve fucked myself up. Eating
out? Dinner with friends and family? All gone to shit. People’s perception of
me? They think I’m fucked up. My view of food? VERY dysfunctional. I see it more as
medicine than I do something to be enjoyed. Food comes with diabetes guilt.
Most food makes me feel fucking sick.
I try all the time to pretend like it doesn’t bother me when
really I feel like I’ve lost a part of my soul. A part I see flourish in other
people and aid in the simple pleasures of life. I see it but I feel alienated.
I realize some of these dietary restrictions are my own choice and I don’t HAVE
to live this way. Except that I value my health and the moment I can prove that
something makes my diabetes life any little bit better, is worth it to me.
But to what end?