Thursday, October 24, 2013

I want it but I just can't appreciate it

When I was a kid I had a lot of stomach issues and struggled to keep my weight up on and off over the years. When I got older, I got diabetes. Most of you know my diagnosis story because it’s a bit of an odd one. In a nutshell: I was diagnosed with “some kind of diabetes, we think, maybe, we’re not sure” after a sudden onset overnight pancreas destruction. Then I was left for 2 months completely untreated. No insulin, no oral drugs, not even a glucose meter. So in that two months AFTER diagnosis is when I experienced all the notorious side effects of ravenous thirst and hunger and rapid weight loss.

When I later learned all that weight loss was my body dying it scared me. Then the insulin therapy started and I ballooned out like a fat fuck. Eventually my weight levelled out to something resembling me. It wasn’t long before I went 6 years with undiagnosed celiac disease that had me at my sickest, weakest and lightest of all my life. I’ve had heavier times and lighter times. I always hesitate to replace clothing whenever this happens. However last year I seemed to be slowly putting weight on no matter what.

EXCEPT that now, I’m confused. I’ve noticed for a while (but didn’t want to admit it) that my clothes have been falling off me. One by one my pants are requiring belts and I can take them all off without undoing them. Even my bike shorts have been loosey goosey even though they are supposed to be tight and annoying. It may come as a surprise to you but yes I am a woman and don’t really pay much attention to my body. I do what I can in an attempt to maintain my weight but overall it wasn’t until I finally weighed myself last week before I was able to see that I have dropped weight. 

Why does this bother me? Because any time my weight has fluctuated it’s always been a result of poor health. Too much stress, too much stomach upset, too many lows etc, so on and so forth.

I worry. I AM worried about this. I just assume it’s attributed to something wrong with my health. I accuse being chronically ill most my life for that worry. I can’t enjoy it because I don’t believe it is something I did. So it’s been on my mind daily for the past couple weeks. After talking to a close friend about it I’ve come to wonder if it’s a culmination of things. I’m happy now (thanks to Ryan). I’m less stressed, I cut out dairy and then eggs, I sold my house, I went back to MDI. Could that be it? Could it be the lack of eggs or the injections? I haven’t changed my exercise routine all that much in years. It’s just happened so slowly over the past year.

I just don’t know. But 15lbs is a rather big difference on me. 

I think what bothers me the most is this is what I wanted. I knew dropping some weight would undoubtedly make me faster on the bike. Yeah, call me shallow but it’s the honest truth. The best bike racers are the small lean ones. The lighter you are the less weight you have to haul up hills. I can instantly increase my power to weight ratio and that automatically translates to faster speeds. Yet it still worries me. Could it be thyroid? Could it be another intestinal issue? I have been dealing with A LOT of stomach and intestinal havoc lately. Am I simply not eating enough? Is there something wrong with me? I guess I’m just trained to think there must be something wrong with me and I hate that.

I am seriously worried y’all will think I’m looking for a pat on the back or trying to toot my own horn. I am not. I am ACTUALLY worried something is wrong so please don’t take this post the wrong way.

I’m reluctant to replace clothes so for now, please be careful when you’re around me because my pants keep falling down.


  1. I would absolutely talk to my doctor if I was you. I think that you know your body better than anyone, and if you have lost 15lbs in a short period of time without trying then there's no hard in talking to a doctor, perhaps having your blood work done up etc.

    You know your body! the worst is you can be reassured by a doctor.

  2. Alot of people who switch to a Vegan diet drop weight months after the change. There had been a lot of curiosity surrounding the apparent "latent" effect. I get the concern though, but if I were you I would put aside the weight and focus on how you feel, aside from weight change have there been any other changes? How are your energy levels? Do you have any other symptoms?

    1. Just been dealing with more than usual intestinal issues. And I'm always more than usual tired.
      So yeah, energy levels suck and my guts are not well.
      I know.... I need to do some investigating :(

  3. I went through this 2years ago, and still going through it. Usually we know our bodies best. Sometimes it makes me feel paranoid, but usually I'm right. I went through 3 different drs before getting a gastroparesis diagnosis (after loosing 20 lbs) and all it took was a simple test. I thought I was acting crazy when I kept going in. I think when we have chronic illness it makes us more in tune with our bodies. In the end I think you just have to follow your inner voice. I hope you figure it out

  4. I wish I knew what to tell you, Scully. I just hope that you find out the reason for the weight loss, and that the reason ends up being entirely good.

  5. When that happened to me, I was dx'd with diabetes. Oh, right, you already have that.
    I think it's worth investigating, just so you know if you're dealing with something, or not.

  6. i have to agree with everyone. it is worth a trip to the doctors, if only to be told, after some tests, that everything is fine, and go buy some new clothes! not wanting to sound like somebody's mother (which i am lol!) but get your ass in gear woman! ryan wants you around for a while!!
    (and so do the rest of us!!)

  7. Maybe start a food journal. See what you are really eating ... and if it's enough calories. But for sure make a Dr's apt!

  8. <3 thinking of you.

    I loved this line: "Eventually my weight leveled out to something resembling me."

    I hope you feel healthy and strong. Would you like a care package of Planter's Pumpkin Spice Almonds? They seem very chunk-ifying.


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