The long and the short of it is: Trying to accept that I suck at racing.
Yes, this post is full of hijacked photos because who can afford them?! thank you Sportszone and Ivan Rupes. I linked to you, that makes it better right?
Thanks for the picture of me wiping my nose. This was the race where diabetes ruined it for me.
I've been cycling for a really long time but this is my second season trying to race. Notice how I use the word "trying". I didn't race very much last season after all the racing I did in the states with TT1 because I was too intimidated and afraid of my local racing options. Something I probably should have remembered for this year. I found that every race that I had the opportunity to attend was way too difficult for me. Ergo there was no point in even signing up because I knew I would just get my ass handed to me. Which is exactly what keeps happening. I know what it's like in other places thanks to old team mates but around here there are only a handful of races to choose from all season long. In addition to that, the population of women racing is absolutely pitiful. I'm talking handfuls in comparison to the fields in the states. The larger the field, the more likely we can all race better.
This year I thought I could pull off some actual results. I guess I thought I had horseshoes up my egotistical ass or something. 7-8 weeks during the winter training months without a bike didn't help.
|One of the few races I stayed with the field for half of it.|
I know I suck. It's obvious that I suck. I am one hell of a good cyclist but not a strong enough cyclist to race at the level needed to stay with the field. I want to blame some of it on the courses, the lack of races and the small fields but I know that's just my ego not wanting to admit to my downfalls.
It's hard to lose dignity but I am woman enough to post this embarrassing picture publicly. From the wall of Effingham Hill at 15-16% grade. It wasn't just me though.
I thought about the effort I was putting into training and whether it was enough. You get out what you put in right? I know I'm not the most serious cyclist. If I want to kibosh an evening of training to go rock climbing with Ryan instead I'll do it. If I just don't want to go do hill repeats I won't. I didn't have a strict training schedule either. I did some hill climbing, intervals, drills and what have you but nothing was written down. Sometimes I had an idea but most of the time it was just that... time on the bike. I worked hard at all my efforts but it never seemed to change much. Or at least not that I noticed. I don't think I have what it takes to be hardcore on the training front. If I am put into a schedule I'll do everything in my power to get out of it. I simply can't train that way or it will make me miserable. So if I can't train seriously, how do I expect myself to race seriously? I'm the kind of person who will choose an easy paced group ride with friends because it's social over a solo hard training ride. It's just who I am.
...and again. I smiled because I saw Ryan.
In the end, it's just "circles turning circles". That's what I need to love again. It bites the big one to write this and I've had it written for a few weeks. I don't really want to publish it.
It's not easy to admit to suckage, especially with something I love SO MUCH!