|My collection of anti-nausea meds|
I’ve written about it enough so the details are rather unimportant at this point. However, at this stage in my life, the curiosity of being drug-free is just too strong to avoid.
I want off the drugs or at least on a lower dose. This is my choice. There are two parts for this. Firstly, is cost. This shit is expensive yo. One day I will be without benefits so why not start figuring it out now? Secondly I truly feel I’m ready to peek around the corner to see what will happen to me without the safety of psychotropic drugs.
There are different kinds of anti-depressants. I’m on the shit that you get when nothing else works and this shit is harsh. Trying to wean off of it is akin to withdrawing from heroin I read somewhere. I started this journey about 6 months ago when I made my first reduction in dose. It was rocky but do-able. I tried again a couple weeks later and hit a wall of anxiety even I couldn’t see over so I went back up. Two weeks ago I dropped again for the second attempt. Nothing noticeable for about a week and then all of a sudden, “WHOOP”. I slid down an oiled slide lined with tacks.
Do you know what it’s like to not understand anything that’s going on? It was like this, I felt FUCKED UP! I had waves of nausea that would last on and off all day often flooring me in bed choking back enough Gravol to put me in a mild coma. My legs would ache and twitch. I felt as dumb as a pile of dog poop. Covered in dumb flies. I couldn’t seem to get my brain to function. It was on and off but for the most part I was dizzy and fuzzy. I had vertigo at times. Other times an overwhelming sense of fatigue would hit me like an anvil. I question how I even managed to brush my teeth or drive my car. It wasn’t bad all the time, just most of the time one or many of these symptoms was overwhelming me.
I kept wondering and questioning everything that was going on until it occurred to me to do a little googling. Ahhh, Dr.Google pretty much assured me that what I was going through was the withdrawal from the drugs. It took about a week being on the smaller dose before the symptoms hit and HARD they did slowly getting worse day by day.
|Thanks CIM for the flat surface!|
There is life after psychotropic drugs. I did a lot of research. I started taking strong doses of a really expensive Omega 3 supplement which helped with the fuzzy stupid brain symptoms. I’ve noticed an immediate difference in my ability to focus. The nausea is what it is, I keep taking Gravol when I feel sick and managing with eating less and drinking ginger tea the rest of the time. Otherwise I’ve gone and split some capsules up in an effort to lower the dose granule by measly granule. I’ll take a bit more for a few days and then remove the wee little balls.
I don’t deny that perhaps I will be on drugs the rest of my life. I don’t deny that maybe there’s an imbalance in my brain that is beyond my control but for now, I need to see how low I can go while still feeling normal. The drugs served their purpose for the past few years. I know I've had anxiety and depression issues my whole life and diabetes exacerbates it. I am not insinuating I won't need some medications to stabilize that forever. It's a mental imbalance and its probably permanent. I just feel my life has had a huge positive change so it’s time to re-evaluate. This train out of Drugville is certainly full of crazy.