Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Clif, the second love of my life

Dear Clif,
You have been sustaining my adventures for over a decade. Filling my belly when animals steal my food bag on a camping trip. Bringing me up from lows and preventing them. So easily portable and mighty fucking tasty. Without Ryan, I would be an empty shell of a human being dead inside but without Clif I'd be eating other more inferior brands of energy bars.

Once I bought a case (or two) of the Carrot Cake flavour bar and to this day I still can't imagine putting another one in my mouth. I over dosed and swore I would never do that again. Clif bars were a staple on every camping trip and during my ventures in Asia. Now I use the bars, the gels and the blocks.

I was recently sent a few new bars to sample. I received the White Chocolate Macadamia and the Coconut Chocolate Chip. Now I know these flavours are not new to most but in Canada where everything is eons behind the rest of the world they are. I buy the White Chocolate Macadamia ones when I'm across the border in the states because they are so fucking delicious but - surprise - weren't available in Canadaland.

I will also point out that Clif bars are not reeeeeally gluten free. I'm sure my guts revolt but I can't tell because they are kind of in perma-revolt. Maybe if I stopped eating things like this I would notice a difference. Bah humbug! I don't eat them often, usually for cycling and camping. Clif bars are kind of really big carb bombs so if I'm not doing something active I can expect insane BGs.

SO... I had the Coconut Chocolate Chip in the middle of a ride.

Pure deliciousness in my books. Coconut AND something chocolate? yes please!

What a Clif bar should look like with the swirly chocolate goodness.

The White Chocolate Macadamia travelled serious distances in my jersey pockets. I carried it on many rides. It sat in my car for weeks as I secretly hoped for a moment of BG neediness but the timing never happened. Finally last week at work I dug it out of my bag. It was totally flattened and squished. I literally said, "Ah fuck it, I'm just going to eat it now." Partially because it looked so sad!

Getting my massive amount of insulin ready for the carb bomb.

Pancake Clif. DELICIOUSNESS none the less! Thanks to the over-bolus my beeg did not skyrocket.

I know I should quit eating them. They don't have flour in them but they do have barley malt extract since they have rice crispie things in them. I'm sure it does more damage to my insides than good but fuck, there just isn't a tasty gluten free equivalent that I like out there.

Upon re-reading this several times I really think it's time for me to break up with Clif. It's not going to be easy but really, the unseen but totally felt gastrointestinal damage is probably not worth it. Fuck Celiac Disease!!! dammit.

I'm still stoked that these flavours are finally available in Canada though.


  1. I love Clif bars, although I totally overdid it one year with the chocolate brownie ones, and now I can't look at them quite the same way. Hopefully, with time, I'll be able to give them the love I used to. For now, I go for the white chocolate macadamia and peanut butter varieties.

    With all that said... be nice to your guts.

  2. Scully, together we should petition or beg & plead to the makers of Clif bars to get on it and create a gluten free option in one of their amazing and super delicious bars! I agree, they are fantastic and I do truly miss eating them since Celiac disease diagnosis. Ugh sigh*
    To the makers of Clif bars....pllllleeeeaaassseeee get rid of the malted barley extract and any other not gluten free friendly stuff so the rest of us can also enjoy your lovely deliciousness again.

  3. Oh honey! I feel your pain and I am so sorry! I am always tempted to "cheat" but I just can't do it because I'm used to feeling so good now! The good news, sweetness, is that if you stick to eating truly GF things, your chronic gut rot and likely your migraines too, will go away! You will feel so good again! Did you know that glutening causes migraines? That's what happens to me when I accidently get glutened; a fun migraine! And if I'm lucky, bathroom problems too! Yay us!!


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