Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Simplicity and ease wanted

I feel the urge to just load up my backpack and hop on a plane to some unknown location for an undetermined amount of time. Like, quit my job and get rid of all my stuff kinda thing. I'm searching for a better way of life where there is no bullshit 6 months of cold weather. Where I don’t have to commute to opposite ends of the province every day to get to work. Where work isn't sitting at a desk ALL day and rarely talking to anybody. I seek an easier more simple way of life but one where I can still earn a decent living and be comfortable.

I could see myself doing so many things. On top of probably being able to make a living doing just freelance work. I could work in a bike shop or sling coffees at Starbucks. I could become a yoga teacher or a massage therapist. I crave, in the depths of my core, to leave it all behind sometimes. A little too often maybe. Some of it has to do with escaping and running away from it all and some of it has to do with just being disappointed with what modern life has become. Life in the city. Commuting. Spending more money on the crap parts of living than I make.

It would be so easy to walk away from my career and my “home”. I say “home” because I sold my house last summer so “home” is really just being in close proximity to my family. Ryan and I have our crap cabin in the city that we pay very little to live in. It makes us happy right for the time being but it's temporary and we need a bit more space.

I've gone through this all in my head so many times.

Doing freelance work would be great but it comes without medical benefits. Instantly I can’t afford that route. Relying on someone else to have medical benefits does not appeal to me. The Ontario Trillium program is wonderful to those who make little money. It does not treat professionals like myself with the same respect and leaves me with thousands of dollars of deductibles. Again, not an option. So do I work to live or do I live to work?

Don’t get me wrong, I'm fucking grateful as all shit to even have a career with benefits. I just get scared very easily to the thought of commitment and permanency. I've changed jobs a lot over the past 5 years. I don't have children and the prospect is looking mighty grim. I have the "freedom" a lot of people my age don't. The fact that I can’t just quit my job, for someone like me, this makes me mad. I thrive on being able to do whatever I want with my life. Even if that means leaving a career to go work at a coffee shop or be a nomad with a backpack in a foreign country. To know that diabetes can so easily squash those dreams is disheartening. It’s not so much the disease itself because fuck I've done a whole lot with it. It’s the question of, “How do I afford to live?”. I'm on MDI right now ("multiple daily injections" a post to follow) which can be quite cheap. Insulin won’t bankrupt me and neither will needles. Also, injections don't work well for me. To be in the best of D-health I need my pump. Now the cost of test strips, those will fuck me.

I don’t know where I'm going with this post.

I'm just fed up with the things that are making my life complicated. I keep trying to remove those complications and with every step I succeed. It's just the staple complications I can't deal with. I have a job I take for granted where others would kill for a career like mine. I worked SO FUCKING hard to get to where I am yet now that I'm here, I don’t love it. It is not what makes me happy. What is wrong with me? Simplicity and Ryan are what make me happy. Cycling and training and earning just enough to sustain ourselves and have the basics make me happy. 

It’s just that the “basics” come with a very high maintenance disease.

Is it possible to live an easier existence with diabetes? 

7 comments:

  1. We'll just keep working on it. We can get to the simple life we both crave, we just don't have all the answers yet. Xo

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  2. I don't get benefits at my job, but I'm fortunate that I get them through my wife's employer. If she lost them, I'd be screwed. As it is, I had to negotiate (no, BATTLE) with my current employer (before being hired) for extra salary so I could buy the life/disability insurance that often comes from larger companies. Nobody took me seriously as to it's value (in person with T1D dollars!). I took the job, though, because I was in an awful environment, and switching to a bad environment would be a little better.

    My point is, I'm right there with you. I don't like what I'm doing, but I feel my options are limited. Self-employment just doesn't seem to be an option for me (despite knowing other PWDs who have done it) - I can't afford the risk. But I think job-(dis)satisfaction is largely a part of life itself, not just life with diabetes.

    I really thought the health system in Canada would make it easier to get diabetes supplies (affordably), but I guess I'm wrong.

    I wish I could tell you the answers -- I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better. But I, too, have looked years into the future, looking for something better, and not finding it. I'm right there with you.

    But I'll say this -- I've grown to really appreciate the basic things that make me happy; more than I ever would have otherwise. I hope you can do the same.

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  3. I think there's a large part of feeling trapped because of the necessity of diabetes supply coverage.

    Nobody likes feeling trapped.

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  4. Scully, that's a terrific rant. You are right on every point you make.

    I guess the only thing now is to sit down and try to figure out exactly what a change would require. Put it all on paper (that may take more than one try) and then see how much of it you can accomplish. At least you'll know if it's possible right now, and what it would really take.

    At any rate, I understand your frustration and I hope you can find a way to live an easier existence with diabetes.

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  5. You are definitely not alone... every day is a struggle. Some times the pro's of working in a job I hate outway the con's and sometimes they don't. The pro's mainly relate to being able to afford bikes, trips, insulin pump, sensor and all the other supplies needed....

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  6. With all the 'You Can Do This's, Diabetes Can't Stop You...this point is frequently overlooked. While I always will say that You Can Do This; diabetes can make it much more difficult.

    I often think about all the things that I know I could be good at, and would make me happy. Different careers, different locations, different lifestyles. And every time my mind wanders, insurance brings me back. I have phenomenal health benefits via my company. I try to remember that my career now with my company now, allows me to do the things I want to do. For now, that might need to be enough.

    Good luck on whatever you decide to do- it sounds like you are already doing a great job of finding happiness with your life now.

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  7. Took a lot of balls to write this and just put it out there. It is something I think anyone living with D struggles with. The want to experience all we can and make the changes we yearn for versus the ever valuable insurance that helps to keep us alive. I applaud you for recognizing it and hope that you can figure out what you want to do. I struggle with this a lot and not sure how to go about changing it (winning the lottery could help).

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