There is a huge stigma around mental illness and this was not the easiest thing for me to write. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about posting it. If it weren't for the handful of people out there that I know for a fact will understand, I'm not sure I'd even bother. Though I'd be lying if I said it didn't help me to write this.
Even though I am a proponent of being open minded and non judgemental when it comes to other people, I am having a hard time with myself. I am so quick to NOT pass judgement yet I judge myself. I am someone who struggles with a few mental issues. Depression yes but more specifically, anxiety. I've written about it a few times.
I went merrily along since then feeling what I could only describe as - normal. It was comfortable to be me for a change. I soon forgot what it was like to struggle with things like anxiety and depression. Recently, I started lowering my dose in an attempt to seek life after meds. There were some side effects I was aiming to diminish or at least reduce. It also felt like the right time. It felt like all the components in my life were stable and I really just wanted to reduce the amount of drugs I take. The first drop in dose was uncomfortable at first but within a few days I seemed to adjust quite well. Sure there was a hint of the emotionally unstable Scully but it was nothing I couldn't get a grip on.
The second drop in dose was not the same at all. I don't know if I dropped too soon, too much, or if I just can't function without it. Maybe I had gotten so used to living without anxiety that the sudden onslaught was like a slap in the face. I no longer felt like I had a grip on myself. I was temperamental and an emotional train wreck. The past few days I have found myself feeling like I did many years ago. Constantly on the verge of anxiety attacks.
I don't like to admit it but I have anxiety issues and I can't control it without medications (it seems). Someone didn't wire my brain right when I was born.
It wasn't until recently (this past weekend) when we were planning a grocery store trip. I barely got dressed before feeling sick with crippling nausea, dizziness and fatigue. The thought of grocery shopping put me in such a state of irrational fear and panic. I didn't even recognize the connection at first. I thought the evil stomach bug was back for round two. It was then that it became completely apparent that I have an anxiety disorder. I mean, I knew years ago (since childhood) but after being able to cope on drugs for the past couple years gave me a false sense of freedom. The reality is, without the chemicals that seem to help balance out my brain, I am a freak. I have no way of coping and dealing. I can't seem to hold myself together. I forgot what it was like to be me. The me without drugs.