Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Pangxiety


Pangxiety: A term that one of my best friends came up with to describe the feeling of severe anxiety on the brink of a panic attack.

I don’t talk about my anxiety much. Partially because I’m medicated and also because it’s usually irrational. I deal with a wide variety of anxiety mostly generalized anxiety.

Yesterday was my birthday (hold up on zipping around social media wishing me a belated bday please). It comes every single year as it does for the other SEVEN BILLION something people on the planet. So there’s no real reason why I should fear it like the plague. Right?! But I do.

The days leading up to my birthday I can feel my anxieties rising despite my best efforts to talk myself out of it. As the days get closer I find myself avoiding the topic all together. I will change the subject or evade questions. I roll my eyes. I get a little angry. I pray to science and my non-existent god that nobody notices. I have never publicized the date on FB. I simply just really want to pretend that the day doesn’t exist. AT ALL.

I am the WORST birthday person EVER. This is the one day of the year I am hostile, jumpy and uncontrollably anxious.

None of it makes sense.

I KNOW! So why the hell does it cause so much anxiety?

It doesn't even have anything to do with aging. The attention makes me uncomfortable. My birthdays have notoriously been the worst days ever. Bad stuff happens on my birthday. So I stopped celebrating it or doing anything out of the ordinary which doesn’t work. People get pissed off when I try to avoid it. In the end it’s a giant circle of cause, effect and eventual distaste.

Monday night, the day before my birthday, I could feel the tension building up. I got home from work and as soon as I walked in the house I began wobbling all over the place. It felt like I was on a boat and I couldn’t balance. It was like I was drunk. I was dizzy and experiencing vertigo at which point a splitting headache started and I was awash in confusion. Later that night after some of it settled down I remembered the next day was my birthday. Pangxiety was fast approaching.

Tuesday morning and I was in full on survival mode. After a few posts on Facebook from friends who were in “the know” it was like a dirty rumour. It caught on and I was no longer safe.

I realize this may seem funny to you but I assure you it’s not funny to me. I love my friends. I love that they care and want to wish me a happy birthday. It’s just for some reason it causes copious amounts of unmanageable anxiety. I never said it made sense.

I shut down. Mentally I shut down. I go so far as turning off all possible facebook notifications on my phone and I hide.

I will deal with it tomorrow.

I know it's selfish. I can try to apologize for my bitch’tude surrounding this but I won’t really mean it. I stopped trying to justify it years ago. I give up on trying to understand why.

However if it’s the other way around? I love celebrating other people’s birthdays.

I’m such a hypocrite. 

Work finished (not a moment too soon) and I went to meet my friend Shelly for some stairs.



Last night my boyfriend Ryan and my roommate Steph collaborated in an attempt to surprise me while at the same time try not to make me run for the hills. We were planning to have dinner and that was all. Upon arriving home cold and sweaty with my arms full I was greeted with a floor covered in balloons. Steph and Ryan carefully trying to judge what my reaction would be. It sounds so simple. Just the two of them and some balloons. I love them for being kind and just wanting to give me a little surprise. Once I calmed down it was okay. 

The best part?

Steph made this chocolate cake thing from protein powder. It was chocolatey and chewy and I couldn't finish it!


Gluten free, vegetarian, dairy-free (well it had feta) lasagna! It was TO DIE FOR! Its not very often I can have something like lasagna which is typically meat, pasta and cheese. major thanks to my ex-chef Ryan. 

I went to bed last night relieved of the days worth of pangxiety. Maybe next year will be even better.

3 comments:

  1. Scully, you are so brave for sharing all of this with us. As someone who doesn't deal with much anxiety, I can't say I understand. But I can say that I support you and whatever you need to do to process it all. Here's to hoping that your years are filled with less and less anxiety. And pangxiety too. :-)

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  2. I'm sorry I added to the mess...I saw someone else wishing you well and, because I love you, I had to jump on the bandwagon!
    I do wish you well and happiness, and not just because you are one year older!
    I'm glad you were able to celebrate, in a small way, and enjoy it!

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  3. I know I am super late on commenting on this but I just want to say I know EXACTLY how you feel. My mom almost died (head through windshield) on my birthday a few years ago. That kinda changes how you view the day.

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