I'm losing steam guys. Motivation, positivity slowly fading. I'm also lacking things to write about as a result.
It has taken me some time to accept the injury and subsequent repercussions of it. I'm trying really hard. I've never been seriously injured. Well except for that time that my dog bolted in front of me during a run and caused me to fall over him and badly sprain my ankle. He doesn't run with me any more.
This injury is weird though. It's not like it's even anywhere near my legs. My legs are what carry me all those miles in my running shoes. My legs are what spins me for hours on my bike.
LEGS - some-other-stuff-in-between - CLAVICLE. They aren't even connected!
What I've had to come to terms with is that the clavicle is actually connected to.....everything via stringy bits. Or so it seems.
I have dedicated some time and thought to what my injury is all about. I consulted Dr.Google Images because I'm a visual learner. Apparently, I banged or jammed my shoulder at some point though I have no recollection. This caused the clavicle bone to get nudged out of place where it then settled and found a new resting place and so started my whole world of OUCH. It is a little twisted (much like me) which means it doesn't move and rotate the way it should when I move my arm. I don't have a lot of mobility because everything is tight and in havoc after nearly 7 months of this.
see all those stringy bits? yeah. It hurts wherever they are.
If I continue to run, I will be in constant pain. But I could still run and still train for the marathon. It's not like running will further injure me. The damage has been done. All it will do is prolong the healing process. And really, my injury, my clavicular dysfunction (how do you like that one?) is permanent. It's not like it's going to heal and go away forever. It will get better with time but will require constant maintenance. That dumb bone ain't goin' back to where it came from.
The desire to run and train hard now that I sort of made the decision to back out of the marathon is insane. I feel like I'm wasting my summer weather! I think if I had other things to fill the void I would be better off. Add to that I am stubborn as a donkey and when I commit to something, I aim to follow through. Problem is, this thing hurts like a MO'FO' no matter what I do. The things that hurt the most: Walking, running, standing, yoga, swimming, playing with my niece and nephew, lifting - ANYTHING, sleeping, stretching..... etc. It's really amazing just how important this stupid bone is. Cycling is the only thing that doesn't hurt - as much. I get a good hour on the bike before it starts bothering me.
I know. I need to get a treatment plan into action. I have been procrastinating calling up the clinic.
It's been many years since I haven't had a goal in mind. I'm learning that I do NOT function very well when I don't have some sort of race to motivate my training. Be it running OR cycling. I feel I am just scratching the surface on injury induced depression here. I am feeling pretty lost without my outlets and no relief in the foreseeable future.
I was supposed to do the Tough Mudder 10mile race which is noted as the hardest most challenging of obstacle races. It is designed by the British Special Forces for cripes sake! It's all about hauling yourself (and others) over walls, across monkey bars, up ropes.. you name it. I had to register in the fall and it wasn't cheap. I can't do it.
I was going to go on a solo backpacking trip for a few days and it didn't even occur to me that it MIGHT hurt my shoulder. Or last night's slip'n'slide party complete with baby oil and dish soap (to make us go faster of course). Try as I might to not go careening down on my arm, I still did.
The list goes on of things I want to do, events I want to participate in with friends and as races. I have to back out of all of them.