I have things to talk about that I'm not proud of. I'm not sure it's going to come out the right way either. Publicly voicing it on my blog scares the shit out of me.
The past few weeks or better the past few months I've been a complete failure in my work out attempts. So much that it's seriously effecting the outcome of the races I'll be riding and running in the next couple months. I have developed fear and anxiety over pushing myself and my limits.
Something I pride myself on is my independence, my determination and my ability to do these things alone. Yet I am having a hard time just bringing myself to do these things now. I have hardly been training for ATB at all. There you have it. I've gotten a few 20km runs in but I'm not really doing my mid-week runs. Furthermore, my cycling training has practically dropped off the map. I am falling apart at an alarming rate. Exercising is the one thing that keeps me together. I should have all the motivation in the world! I'm racing either in running shoes or on a bike almost every weekend for the next 2 solid months. So why can I not train?
The lack of training is due to some anxieties. The lack of training makes me more anxious at the thought of these races not being trained for. I don't pull out of races. But am I going to hurt myself by my stubbornness? I think my stubbornness is going to injure me.
So what's going on? It's my triangle of life and there are weak points.
Let me illustrate with a picture:
We have two solid corners of the triangle. One of those two points represent my career and working life which I am finally quite happy with after a couple years of floating around! I am still in a financial hole but I'm far better than I was. The other solid pinned joint represents my family and friends. I have a plethora of loving and amazing people in my life who I appreciate every single moment of my existence. I tap into these people and they return with nothing short of the best love I could ask for.
Then there are two weak points in my structure and those two points make the geometry of my life totally fall apart. This is where it's difficult for me to write about.
On the bottom we have my health. I'm talking about physical health as well as mental health. My diabetes is the prime reason for my cracked health. I'm trying every single god damned day but we know what that's like. Sometimes trying just isn't good enough. In addition to the diabetes I'm having some major pain in one of my shoulders due to a phantom injury. I injured my pectoralis minor and I don't even know how I did it. It's being treated (after 6 weeks of intense pain) and I'm on the road to recovery but like many injuries, the road is not short and not without it's fair share of pain. This shoulder injury makes long runs very achy. It makes cycling agonizing at times. Who knew that something in the part of my body that isn't even used for running and cycling can put me back. It's true. This pain keeps me up at night.
Then there's my mental health. I suffer from depression. I am medicated. However if you are in my position you know that every day is not exactly peaches and cream even with the medication. There are days that I can't get out of bed and other days where I leap out of bed. There's a fine balance between finding the right mix and understanding your own limits. I also suffer from anxiety. More of a generalized anxiety disorder. Lately, my anxieties have been flooring me. I get ready for a super long run. I plan the route and I get stoked about it. Then comes the morning and I quietly freak out and eventually hide in bed. I get afraid to leave my house. I get paranoid and develop anxieties and in the end, I suffer. I suffer because I don't get my workout in which means I don't get the training which means I don't feel prepared which means I feel more anxious. A vicious circle, if you will.
I don't know where this sudden fear came from. I used to do these things to feel the exhilaration of proving I can do this stuff ALONE and with diabetes. Sometimes I would go out just to say, I ran 32km alone and got 'er done! Or, I rode 2 hours in the freezing fucking cold, why? Because I can! I have been doubting my diabetes management skills. I have been doubting the fact that my meters keep crapping out on me when I need them most. I have been doubting my abilities to overcome.
I have developed fears, anxieties and doubts. With these evil beasts, it leaves me crippled.
The last part of my broken triangle is my heart. Not my heart as in the physical aspect of it, but my heart as in the psychological way. Most of my life I have learned that having a strong healthy relationship with someone special is the best support one can get. Yes, I believe we all need to be "happy on our own accord" but there is a certain je ne sais quoi that comes with having someone love and care about you. It fills me with the necessary motivation to carry on. It makes me feel whole and complete. I think about it during my workouts.
Lately, I opened myself up. I didn't think it was possible. I got hurt. Really bad. The tears that stream down my face as I write this make me angry. Angry at myself for letting someone break my armor. Armor that I carefully placed with love. It took me a LONG time to piece that uniform together and it was not without it's cracks. I firmly felt ready to face the world with my cut and paste shell. It didn't take much to smash it down and expose my soft underbelly. Inadvertently this has royally fucked up my psyche. I am not left with much.
To summarize, I am in a very fickle place and I don't know how to build up my strength again, both physical and mental, to carry on. Get in my running shoes and swallow my fears. Hop on this beautiful fucking TT1 bike and spin away doubts. I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like it's too little too late. I've missed a lot of training these past couple months. I need to find the strength to carry on and continue on and be that athlete that I am.