Thursday, February 9, 2012

More hours in the day please

This post sprung from Celine's post about the juggling act of life.

It's been on my mind constantly since then. Just the fact that I have procrastinated writing about it for this long is a good indication.

Basically, there aren't enough hours in the day for me anymore. 24 hours would be great if I didn't have to waste time commuting and sleeping. Just why do we require so much sleep in the first place? You'd think we would have evolved by now to not need so much sleep.

I have TOO MUCH going on. This "too much" is starting to wear me out and break me down. I feel weird writing about this while at the same time trying not to complain. We all have trouble finding the time to fit it all in, this is nothing new. Some of you are in worse situations than me so sometimes I feel like I should just suck it the fuck up. On that note, I will not go into list format on the too many things I've taken on in my life that has led me to this position right now.

Maybe it's just me and my anxiety issues. Maybe it's just me and my reactions to stress.

It's come to a head, somethings gotta give.

It wasn't until I was stuck in a sardine can (airplane) on my way to Texas this past weekend that all of these things became super clear and apparent to me. I enjoy flying because it literally forces me to sit still and take time for myself. Be it reading, listening to music or thinking.

I am no stranger to the effects of constant stress. It has a very profound physical effect on me. Suddenly during the flight all these thoughts came flooding into my head. My guts are always in a knot. The inside of my mouth is chewed to shreds all the time. I can't stop habitually picking at my fingernails. My face keeps breaking out like a hormonal teenager. Stress much? The only good thing has been my diabetes management (go figure) and I've had really great numbers. Doesn't seem right does it?

The persistence of this crazy lifestyle lately has been building and so have the panic and anxiety attacks. I'm lucky if I sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night. This is from being busy in my "brain" as well as not having enough time to get everything done. I miss my family and my friends. I miss my quiet time alone. I miss reading books!

On that plane it was clear as day. It's come time to make a decision and axe something out of my life for the betterment of my health and sanity. I am not superwoman no matter what outfit I put on.

I have put too many expectations on myself. At the end of the day I feel like I am doing the best I can. Even though I am spreading myself too thin. I've always believed in quality over quantity.

I pursue freelance work on the side because I am not making enough to live day to day. I never say "no" to a job because I never know when I might get another one. I've come to depend on the extra money to live. Well guess what? As much as I know freelance betters my skills and markets my abilities, (and pays the bills) it is extremely time consuming. It's a pretty big thing that demands a lot of my brain space and free time. So, for the next few months and probably into the summer I'm saying "NO" to freelance.

Why? Because seeing my family and friends is more important to me. Because I miss my wiggly bum doggy living with me. Because training is more important to me than money. I will NOT put aside my running and cycling. NO WAY! Because I am better than the stress that gives me anxiety. Because I want to see what it feels like to be really awake during the day.

Sometimes, you just gotta open your eyes and see the damage.

2 comments:

  1. "no" is such a small word, but it takes a tremendous amount of effort to say it.
    good for you for saying it! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Woohoo for making this decision. I know Memesh will be very happy to hear this. And this time, maybe you'll actually remember to bring him with you when you leave mom & dads house ;)

    ReplyDelete

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