You can really learn so much about yourself and your perception of your health when you start spending time with a new partner.
It's not news anymore really that I have thrown myself back into the dating world. I was against the idea of having to tell my life story and getting to know someone again so I avoided it. For a long time. But here I am, trying to open up my world to another human being. With that world of mine comes all my 'betes baggage.
All the awkward questions, explanations, stories and pre-requisite readings. I kind of feel like I wish I had a pamphlet. You know, something along the lines of..... "So you're dating a diabetic now....." It would have things like:
-Avoid looking over the shoulder to read BG numbers and then remark on them like you have a clue.
-The basics like, Insulin=lowers blood sugar, Sugar=raises blood sugar. No, you do not want to inject me with insulin when I am low
-Always have glucose tablets on hand for your forgetful new friend
-Realize that you'll probably never understand
-There is no such thing as a quick question in diabetes education
-All those little blood stains? Yeah, get used to it.
...and so on.
But that was not the point of this post. See why I haven't written in awhile? I can't organize my brain.
Part of being with someone new is the reality check. Yeah hanging around me and diabetes are new and weird at first and then things become the norm. Not that I like the idea of people "getting used to" needles, blood and sweaty shaky lows. But the initial shock of "wtf is wrong with you" slowly dissipates to an annoying background nag. What recently came to my attention was of my own recognition. Oh yeah, I kind of suck a this 'betes thing.
I've had a few weeks of shitty blood sugars. I'm constantly high and really rarely ever see a number in that wee little safe zone. These weeks happen though and there's no easy way to get through them. Even when things ARE seemingly going well I can't deny the fact that my A1C still suffers and is a major thorn in my side. So I come to the point where there really is a "scale" of how good I am doing. The worst part? Admitting to someone that although I seem to be doing well, yeah I exercise and I eat healthy and I test my BG a zillion times a day, does not mean I'm in good standings.
"Your Diabetes May Vary" is a term that needs to be used more often. I always tell myself, "my next A1C will be better". The problem is I've been saying that for...... how long have I had diabetes for? Yeah. I can only tell myself that tomorrow is a new day so many years in a row before I just get pissed off. Sure, it could be worse. Sure I am still alive complication-free. But inside, I am slowly feeling like a failure because I want to do better than this. THIS is not good enough.
There really is a chart complete with gold stars. It's just in our mind. I feel like I'm never earning any gold stars yet I try and try and try. It's like my running and my cycling and everything else in my life. I'm only ever going to be average.
But having to tell someone that I have no gold stars on my D-chart is hard. It's admitting to myself and to others that I am not really good at this. That my numbers do, in fact, tell the truth as far as where I stand on the success of my health. I'm not going to lie even though I could because new people usually have no idea that you can suck really bad at diabetes or that there's that dreaded A1C........