Friday, February 24, 2012

Admitting that I'm shitty at 'betes

You can really learn so much about yourself and your perception of your health when you start spending time with a new partner.

It's not news anymore really that I have thrown myself back into the dating world. I was against the idea of having to tell my life story and getting to know someone again so I avoided it. For a long time. But here I am, trying to open up my world to another human being. With that world of mine comes all my 'betes baggage.

All the awkward questions, explanations, stories and pre-requisite readings. I kind of feel like I wish I had a pamphlet.  You know, something along the lines of..... "So you're dating a diabetic now....." It would have things like:

-Avoid looking over the shoulder to read BG numbers and then remark on them like you have a clue.
-The basics like, Insulin=lowers blood sugar, Sugar=raises blood sugar. No, you do not want to inject me with insulin when I am low
-Always have glucose tablets on hand for your forgetful new friend
-Realize that you'll probably never understand
-There is no such thing as a quick question in diabetes education
-All those little blood stains? Yeah, get used to it.

...and so on.

But that was not the point of this post. See why I haven't written in awhile? I can't organize my brain.

Part of being with someone new is the reality check. Yeah hanging around me and diabetes are new and weird at first and then things become the norm. Not that I like the idea of people "getting used to" needles, blood and sweaty shaky lows. But the initial shock of "wtf is wrong with you" slowly dissipates to an annoying background nag. What recently came to my attention was of my own recognition. Oh yeah, I kind of suck a this 'betes thing.

I've had a few weeks of shitty blood sugars. I'm constantly high and really rarely ever see a number in that wee little safe zone. These weeks happen though and there's no easy way to get through them. Even when things ARE seemingly going well I can't deny the fact that my A1C still suffers and is a major thorn in my side. So I come to the point where there really is a "scale" of how good I am doing. The worst part? Admitting to someone that although I seem to be doing well, yeah I exercise and I eat healthy and I test my BG a zillion times a day, does not mean I'm in good standings.

"Your Diabetes May Vary" is a term that needs to be used more often. I always tell myself, "my next A1C will be better". The problem is I've been saying that for...... how long have I had diabetes for? Yeah. I can only tell myself that tomorrow is a new day so many years in a row before I just get pissed off. Sure, it could be worse. Sure I am still alive complication-free. But inside, I am slowly feeling like a failure because I want to do better than this. THIS is not good enough.

There really is a chart complete with gold stars. It's just in our mind. I feel like I'm never earning any gold stars yet I try and try and try. It's like my running and my cycling and everything else in my life. I'm only ever going to be average.

But having to tell someone that I have no gold stars on my D-chart is hard. It's admitting to myself and to others that I am not really good at this. That my numbers do, in fact, tell the truth as far as where I stand on the success of my health. I'm not going to lie even though I could because new people usually have no idea that you can suck really bad at diabetes or that there's that dreaded A1C........


  1. We could all be better at managing D... if only it were easier. But it's not, because it's a sneaky, unfair motherfucker.

    You, my friend, are alright.

  2. We're never going to be perfect at this. We're never going to be good at it. But we can always get a little better.

    Hey, that would make a great book :)

    Jeff's right - diabetes is an unpredictable asshole that is always happy to lull you into a false sense of security and then send you careening off a cliff. You can't reason with assholes.

    I do, however, admire your honesty. You are more than diabetes and I would be willing to bet that the new man in your life can see that.

  3. This is such a great post. First of all, don't be so hard on yourself. When I had higher A1c's I was so bummed about them I didn't exercise or do anything that I loved...and exercise more than anyone I know and you fight to manage your blood sugars through it all and you share what you learn through your blog and NONE of that is the stuff of failures.

    I don't think it's that you suck at your diabetes, it's that you're in a place in life where the diabetes is too much-something that happens to all of us. After all, we all have the regular crap life throws at us ON TOP of our never ending diabetes. Things will even out for you, I know it. Just keep going.

    By the way, my doctor once told me that exercise helps to erase a lot of the consequences of higher blood sugars so I really think that you're entitled to that benefit :)

    Try not to focus on the bad, just focus on what you have to do in the present and on the possibilities ahead in your future. Don't look back. And then please remind me of the same lol :)

  4. When things are hard, break them down. OK, you don't know of your last "gold star" day, but I bet you've had a few gold star meals in there? The ones where you nail the meal bolus, and are right back to normal in 3 hours? Start there and work out. Everything is easier if you break it down.

  5. oh, sister, i feel you pain! you and i are on the same wavelength today. i've had some crazy highs lately as well (as you know) and you're right- it SUCKS! all of it!

    i hope things level off for both of us soon. hang in there!

  6. I totally get it! In a weird way, your new relationship is just like when the boys get a new teacher in school every year. Every blood sugar that they see screams back "failure" in my face. Everything is magnified. Regardless, I know this...You are doing better than you think you are!

  7. Hang in there kiddo. You don't suck at Diabetes. Diabetes sucks at you. I'm not a believer in the "no bad number" metality of managing your serum glucose, but you are doing fine and more than most of us. You have inspired me. I enjoy your blog when I can and admire your ability on the bike. Keep up the fight. As long as you are alive you are winning.


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