Monday, June 27, 2011

Death of a car

There is too much to write so I need to split it into a few posts.

Since I'm a chronological order kind of person, I will do this in order.

Friday morning I crashed my car.

NOBODY WAS HURT.  My car has gone to the giant civic nation in the sky and I feel like a complete idiot.

Here's what happened;

I was driving to work.  My commute is about 45-50minutes.  I was a few blocks from the office when I ran through a red light.  Yep.  I ran through a red light.  What do I remember?  Not a whole hell of a lot unfortunately.  I remember slamming on my brakes, bracing myself and smashing into the side of a  yellow pick up truck at a rather good speed.  bits and pieces of plastic flew up in front of my hood.

I sat there stunned.  Did that just happen?  wait a minute, WHAT just happened?!

I knew I went through a red light but the rest of it just wasn't there.  We pulled off the road and got out.  After we determined that everybody was okay I asked the guy, "What happened?"  Then I learned that his light went green and he was the first one in line to go straight.  He didn't see me coming because the roads intersected at an angle.

I didn't know what happened.

I don't remember the moments leading up to it.  I don't know WHY I apparently didn't see the yellow light and continued at the same speed right through the red, throwing myself into oncoming traffic.  I caused the accident.  I killed my car.  It was me.

I broke my camera in the process to boot as it was sitting on my passenger seat and went smashing into the dashboard.  (It's a digital SLR) I later determined that only the lense was damaged and not the body which made me feel MUCH better.  I took pictures for the rest of the day precariously holding the lense onto the camera.  It was a stupid pain in the ass.

I am usually a good driver.  Not an amazing pro or anything but I usually pride myself on being a safe and aware driver.  Needless to say I feel very embarrassed.  I'm ashamed and worried that I did that.  I feel like "stupid woman driver".  The same "stupid women drivers" I point and curse at all the time.

My radio was on but there was no music, my cell phone was in my pocket and I wasn't even taking a sip of coffee.  Nothing extra-ordinary was going on to distract me.  Nothing but my brain I guess.  I do remember thinking about something specific.  Something I know must have caused me to space out like that.  I can't comfortably discuss it publicly on my blog but there's no denying what was on my mind at the time.  It's so unfortunate.

When my boss came to pick me up he asked me a very important question that didn't occur to me.  He is the one in the office who was diagnosed with T1 at the age of 40.  He said, "How are your sugars?"  I said, "I don't know, they're fine right now I think."  He then rephrased the question.  I knew what he was getting at.  He was trying to ask me if my BG was whack and maybe that's why I was spacing out.  After all, us diabetics get bad reps with driving.  How many times have you read about some T1 getting in a car accident and low blood sugars being the blame?  I've read too many.

Then tears started forming in my eyes which was quite embarrassing as I was sitting in my bosses passenger seat.  No, diabetes was certainly not to blame.  I will admit I eat my oatmeal out of a mug in the car on the way to work.  It's a bad habit, I know.  However the accident happened 30 minutes after the breakfast and I woke up with high BGs.  My blood sugar was fine (slightly elevated if anything).  I was sure not to check my BG or look at my pump for the duration of time that the cop was there.  I'm not hiding anything but people are so good at jumping into blaming diabetes.

If you know me, then you know how much I adore my car.  I'm proud of it.  I'm proud that it was in fantastic condition for a 12year old car.  I loved that I passed emission tests with flying colours every 2 years.  I'm proud to get almost 650km to a tank of gas on average.  I'm proud that it has absolutely no bells and whistles.  It has a manual transmission (without an RPM guage).  It has no power steering, no air conditioning, no power anything.  It's simple.  It's everything I love about owning a car.  I bought this specific car because they are known to go forever and ever.  I had 293,000 km on it and no doubt it was good to go for another 150,000.  I bought this car because I wanted to have it for many years.  I wanted to rest assured that I'd feel comfortable not having to worry about buying another car for a long LONG time.  The damage was not intense, it was just going to cost more than the car is worth to fix.

To have to take on a car loan right now isn't something I can afford which is also debilitating.

Everybody keeps telling me, "cars are replaceable but you aren't." They are right.  I will get over the loss of my car in time but I need to mourn.  I simply LOVED my car to bits.  I can't help it that I get attached to material things.  My car has been there for me through everything.  It took me to Alberta for a year and back.  Many trips up north.  It took me to meet Reyna!  I can't count how many hours I spent in the back seat listening to music and writing.  Heck, we used to drive it out into the boonies in the rain and snow, put the back seats down and curl up with a movie on the laptop!  It was a tiny space but we did it comfortably.  She never gave me too many problems and repairs were minor and mostly only general maintenance.  Every mechanic at every car maintenance place I went to said "Yeah, these things go FOREVER."  It always made me a proud owner of my '99 Civic Hatchback!

So long "little red".   :(


  1. Cars are indeed replaceable but some are obviously less replaceable than others. It's the memories they carry inside that makes them such a part of our lives. Little Red will forever be missed I'm sure. I hope whoever comes next is even half as special.

  2. I'm feeling for you! I had a really hard time when my Passport was totaled...had a good cry when I went to clean it out.
    Glad you are OK, even if it is relatively so. :)

  3. It's not "just a car," it was your car.
    Sorry about the accident but so happy that you are fine.

  4. I'm so sorry about your car, but glad you walked away from the accident.

    I totally understand the emotional attachment. My first car, a Mustang, was stolen and I still want to torture the people that did it...and it's 17 yrs later! Hope your next ride gives you happiness.

  5. Sorry about the car, but glad you are okay.

    When I left Canada to move to the U.S., I left my '86 Accord with my older brother. I loved that car. It had a manual transmission that shifted like "butta". Anyway, he totaled it and I was so, so sad about it.

    We brought our '99 Isuzu Rodeo when we moved, and it's still rocking with over 270,000 km on it. And it's original transmission (it's also manual).

    We like to drive our cars 'til they drop.

  6. I meant to say original clutch... duh me.

  7. I am near tears reading about "lil' Red". You know that is how I totally knew you were 100% A.O.K. when we were meeting IRL. I mean, sure...I knew you were like 98.9% OK via reading your blog...but once I knew about the Honda Civic...I was like..."SWEET, she so totally IS NOT a serial killer!"

    LOVE YOU...So sorry to hear about your car. AND, advice taken/noted on not always jumping to the "sugar" as the culprit with Joe. You help me day in and out in so many ways. xo

  8. I'm so sorry. Mourn away, cars like this are hard to come by and for that reason, hard to let go. And now you've left us all wondering what's on your mind....

  9. Oh no! I feel your pain! Four months after buying my last car (which I loved from the get-go, and named Zoë ... she was so beautiful) I was stopped at a red light, and for some reason, half way through the red light, I had gotten it in my head that the light had changed to green. I was turning left, pulled my car out to the middle of the intersection, when I realized that the cars in the other lane weren't slowing down, and I'm like What the??? And so I blare my horn, why aren't they stopping??? And maybe half a second before the car crashed right into me, driver side and all, I realized the light hadn't turned green. Oh. Crud. Major mental breakdown. But aside from the tears of sorrow spilling over my Zoë, I was safe, and now years later, I'm okay with that. So, while I am so sorry for the loss of your Little Red, I am so happy that you are safe :)

  10. Oh, I felt sad for your car, too. Sometimes, it's really like that and we can't avoid it. We all love our cars and its' even sadder that you also lost your DSLR. Anyways, I hope you're OK..


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