Remember when I hit rock bottom? Remember when I no longer dreamt of moving forward? It even makes me uncomfortable to link to those posts.
I haven’t forgot about that. In fact it is still there every day in the back of my mind. Where I was and where I am.
I feel responsible to follow that up with an update since I blatantly put that out for the whole world to see. I don't want anybody to think that I "used" them. Those who care deserve to hear some good news from me.
I wrote that stuff because I really was at the end of my rope. I've never felt so shitty before in my entire life. I was beyond the point where I could pick myself up any more. I felt utterly hopeless. I was grasping at straws and screaming for help. Straws, Rope, what else can I stick in here? “My eyes and mouth felt like they were taped shut?”
The intended purpose of this post is to inform. I want you all to know that you played a rather large role in the reason why I am here, and not still in bed crying every day away. I need to thank everybody. Thank you for your words, your concerns, your encouragement and your help. I didn’t write about it anymore after those posts because I felt ashamed and embarrassed for putting so much personal shit out there. I didn’t want to continue to fall apart behind a keyboard so I kept quiet.
I also owe my life to the drugs. Yeah, drugs. I am now on a much more powerful anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med then I was on before. Within a week, I was able to get out of bed. I was able to run and exercise without struggle and stress. I am not ashamed to say I needed the help of chemicals to survive.
I am on the slow and steady mend to putting the pieces of my life back together. I still feel very fragile and vulnerable and even more so because I shared with the world. However, I will continue to state “I’m afraid of where I might have ended up otherwise.”
Today? I am back and focused on my fitness. I accepted a full-time position that was later offered to me at my most recent job (who let me go from my contract due to lack of work). I am wearing my CGM full-time even though the costs come out of my pocket. I benefit so much from my CGM and it helps me manage my diabetes. I am desperate to get my A1C down. It's not often someone like me (a pessimist) is able to admit that I am doing well, but I am. For what I've got going on, I can actually say, "I'm OKAY."
People+Drugs=Saved my LIFE