Friday, May 20, 2011

A Simple Equation

Remember when I hit rock bottom? Remember when I no longer dreamt of moving forward?  It even makes me uncomfortable to link to those posts.

I haven’t forgot about that.  In fact it is still there every day in the back of my mind.  Where I was and where I am.

I feel responsible to follow that up with an update since I blatantly put that out for the whole world to see. I don't want anybody to think that I "used" them.  Those who care deserve to hear some good news from me.

I wrote that stuff because I really was at the end of my rope.  I've never felt so shitty before in my entire life. I was beyond the point where I could pick myself up any more. I felt utterly hopeless. I was grasping at straws and screaming for help. Straws, Rope, what else can I stick in here? “My eyes and mouth felt like they were taped shut?”

The intended purpose of this post is to inform. I want you all to know that you played a rather large role in the reason why I am here, and not still in bed crying every day away. I need to thank everybody. Thank you for your words, your concerns, your encouragement and your help. I didn’t write about it anymore after those posts because I felt ashamed and embarrassed for putting so much personal shit out there. I didn’t want to continue to fall apart behind a keyboard so I kept quiet.

I also owe my life to the drugs. Yeah, drugs. I am now on a much more powerful anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med then I was on before. Within a week, I was able to get out of bed. I was able to run and exercise without struggle and stress.  I am not ashamed to say I needed the help of chemicals to survive.

I am on the slow and steady mend to putting the pieces of my life back together. I still feel very fragile and vulnerable and even more so because I shared with the world. However, I will continue to state “I’m afraid of where I might have ended up otherwise.”

Today?  I am back and focused on my fitness.  I accepted a full-time position that was later offered to me at my most recent job (who let me go from my contract due to lack of work).  I am wearing my CGM full-time even though the costs come out of my pocket.  I benefit so much from my CGM and it helps me manage my diabetes.  I am desperate to get my A1C down.  It's not often someone like me (a pessimist) is able to admit that I am doing well, but I am.  For what I've got going on, I can actually say, "I'm OKAY." 

I'm OKAY. 

People+Drugs=Saved my LIFE

Thank you.

13 comments:

  1. Okay = Good!
    I'm glad you updated us and I'm glad you're feeling better.
    None of us should ever feel ashamed for taking care of our health...

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  2. We have your back! Always will. And I'm so glad that you're feeling better.

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  3. Thanks for the update Scully, really pleased to hear that you are feeling much better. I've been through a pretty horrible time through the winter, hence the distinct dearth of poems. Thank heavens for Diabetes Blog Week, it pulled me out of my shell. Like you I'm back enjoying my running again, and doing well :)

    Keep smiling, I love reading your posts :)

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  4. never be ashamed and thank you for the update :) I hope the sun keeps shinning (figuratively anyways!! I don't know about you but the weather has been just crap here, no sun just rain) and each day gets a little bit better:)

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  5. I'm proud of you. That can not have been an easy journey but you've done really well. Good for you!

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  6. It takes a lot of courage and strength to seek help. Bravo

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  7. I agree with Pearlsa. Nothing wrong with doing what you gotta do. I'm happy to hear you are feeling better. Awesome, awesome :)

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  8. Glad to hear it! I've actually been seeing a psychologist the last few months because I have felt SO angry at diabetes and just down in the dumps more than usual. I feel disconnected from my "regular" life. I have thought about taking the meds, but I'll admit, I'm nervous and unsure! It's good to read your post and know we're not alone in what feels like a daily struggle at times. So glad things are looking up for you.

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  9. I'm so happy that you are feeling better :) thank you for keeping us all updated - we are here for you when you need us! Have an awesome weekend :)

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  10. This post brought a happy tear to my eye. I so believe in you, my friend.

    At that moment, your pit couldn't get deeper. And it's downright HARD to put your REAL LIFE out there like that.

    I'm so proud of you for acknowledging the problem, and now being proactive at keeping it in the background of your life.

    I hope you have a wonderful weekend. I'm very excited to hear all about it :)

    PS -- You can USE me anytime :)

    PSS -- Zoloft and I go WAAAAAY back.

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  11. Feel no shame and no embarrassment. Putting yourself out there ended up helping, and that's a great thing.

    I'm so happy you're doing better. I care, and I've been wondering, but didn't want to pry. This post made me smile.

    Congrats on the new job, too!

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  12. Hi! Found you from Reyna's post about you walking with Beta Buddies. Looks like it was an awesome time!
    What an appropriate post of yours...I am towards the end of month two of meds to pull me out of the pit I was in. It's a hard step to take, but I'm so glad I did. The alternative isn't ever a place I want to go back to!
    Here's to taking care of ourselves, drugs included!!

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  13. You walked in Vermont!
    With Joe & Reyna & Bridget!
    And that's so nice.

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