Sunday, April 17, 2011

My tricycle is on blocks

The hoards of comments yesterday put me in tears, almost all day.  You guys are so full of good words, but why did they all make me cry?

You can only hear the sentences "It could be worse" and "It will get better" so many times for so long before you start denying the existence of "good".

I have debated writing this for a really really long time.  I mean REALLY long time.   The post I wrote yesterday was like my last plea for help.  My public voice to the universe that my struggle is very loud and clear.  I have done such a good job at pretending it's not as bad as it is.  Putting on faces from time to time and carrying on with my life sometimes like nothing is wrong.

This will sound like a whole lot of ranting and raving and especially complaining but I genuinely feel that some of you out there that read and comment (like yesterday) are people that I can trust.  If this post makes it to the "publish" button then I guess you'll know what I mean.

Why have I hit this point of no return?  Why have I come to a place in my life where I'm exposing myself?


The whole shitty story of me:

Well, firstly and most importantly the main reason for my screaming struggle is that I failed at my marriage this time last year.  I broke our lives together and lost the only good thing I ever had.  With each passing month I get farther and farther away from peace.  I hurt more, I cry more and I hate myself more.  I hate being without the biggest support I've ever had.  I hate living alone with this chronic illness with no emotional support.  I learned the mega hard way that I need that emotional support.  I need someone to help share this burden.  I never thought that dealing with it alone could be so horrible and painful.  Nevermind totally loosing my mate, my best friend, my everything.

Loosing my husband meant living alone in our house with no one to rely on but myself.  I quit a job I loved because of the commuting distance.  I had the most amazing benefits there, 100% unlimited coverage.  I left for a job that I despised within the first day.  I then went to work for another small company that didn't have benefits.  I was taking a pay cut and no benefits.  I thought I could just find private health care but I quickly found out that nary a soul would insure me because of my disease.  I got fired from this job within a year for working on freelance on a day that I was legitimately home sick with a snotty slobbery cold.  My boss logged onto my computer and read my personal gmail.  I was canned the following morning.  From here I went to another job through a friend of mine.  I liked the job and the people but the pay was the least I had been paid in my entire professional career.  I didn't find out until 2 weeks into what I thought was a permanent full-time position that it was a 3 month contract with the hope of having enough work to keep me full-time.  Yeah, 2 weeks before my 3 months they let me go.  And now that is where I currently sit. Money wasn't good with me before I took the job and now I am borrowing from my parents to survive and pay bills.

I also recently got snagged with a $5000 income tax owing due to my freelance business.

And then, on Friday I visited my Endo.  The news laid on my lap that day was not something so overly pressing.  It was just the straw that broke the camels back.  The days leading up to my appointment I was dreading it.  I knew I couldn't take another fucking blow.  Every single god damned time I go to my Endo I leave crying for some reason or another.  I wanted to cancel the appointment for fear of not knowing how to handle more bad news.  Perhaps I'm a masochist because I didn't and I went.  If you know me at all personally or online through my blog you will know how fucking hard I work.  How lame my diet is.  How much I exercise until I can't move.  My determination to fight this disease has always been more than I thought I had in me.  4 months ago I saw my very first A1C drop and it was relatively significant.  At the same time I also got some awful cholesterol news.  He told me I really needed to think about if I wanted to have kids in the next 6 months to a year.  Otherwise I would be starting life long cholesterol lowering medications that I would not be able to consider getting pregnant.  Basically he gave me a time line.  I want to have a baby very much.  And here I am, 3 months separated being told I might have a time limit on my uterus.  He told me the same thing on Friday.  When he said "what are your plans with kids?" I started crying.  I had been trying for the past 2 or 3 years to actively get my body into baby-safe zone.  With each endo appointment my A1C has continued to climb.  Until 4 months ago.  But Friday?  my A1C is right back up where it was before.  THIS is what sent me spiraling down into the abyss.  The more I work, the harder I try, the worse my body gets.  How can I possibly find motivation in that?  Put yourself in my diabetic shoes whether you have diabetes or not, and answer that question.                         The harder I try, the worse I get.

To add fuel to the emotional fire, I have been on anti-depressants since last summer.  I was on one brand for 10 months before my doctor decided to switch me onto something else because it clearly wasn't helping.  So right now, I have been weaning myself off of one brand for the past couple weeks only to start a new one.  This is bad timing also.  Life itself is bad timing.

I continue to force myself to work-out but I have not been gaining any pleasure from it.  I feel kind of like a robot tying up my runners and pushing play on my shuffle.  I don't even know why I still do it.  Perhaps its an unconscious routine.  Otherwise I take gravol (dramamine for you US folks) because it knocks me out and forces me to sleep for long periods of time.

There are 3 things in life.  Love, Wealth and Health.
I lost my love, I have no wealth and my health is also continuing to degrade.  I have my family whom I love dearly and couldn't ever imagine not being in their lives or my niece and nephew's lives.  Really, this is my final hope.

So you see....  this is what has brought me to where I am.  All three tires on my tricycle are fucking blown.   I have nothing to lean onto for strength, nobody to help share my mental burdens.

I repeat what I wrote in my last post:  I don't know what to do now.  I've tried for so long to hold myself together.  I don't want to be here, in this place, waiting to see what other horrible news is around the corner.  So I don't lie, not one bit with these posts.  I wouldn't have written them if I still had hope.  Thank you from the bottom of my burning eyes for your kind words.

You wonder why I have that pessimistic attitude on life.

12 comments:

  1. You have been through so much & its been said before(in the below comments)you are strong &inspiring (even if you don't feel like it). Endo's can be real **** heads sometimes.(I don't know but surely there must be a cholesterol-safe med out there for pregnancy)I don't have any answers,but there's alot of people who care about you & hope that things start getting better soon.Hang in there & keep fighting.((hugs))

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  2. I've been thinking about you all afternoon. I don't have any good answers. Just know that we care about you and want only the best for you. Many hugs - - -

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  3. Ok so your tricycle is broken: you can still get off and walk, or run, or dance. There is not just one path forward, but many. Trust me, I know a bit about the struggling to get in baby mode with my diabetes, and now also not being able to actually do anything about getting pregnant. It hurts. But you have to go on. You are an amazing and inspirational person, but you are also just a human so let yourself be one. Please forgive me for the next bit if it's unhelpful, but I've always preferred to be pragmatic :) financial stuff: can you move to cheaper accommodation, maybe stay with family or get a roomate? Job: keep searching and applying for jobs you love, if you don't ask you won't get. Love: I don't know the details of you relationship ending and by the way you speak it sounds final, is it? I really recommend counseling for this one. Ok so it happened. How will you manage and work to put this grief behind you? Can you look to the future? Health: I know you love to run, and have a strict diet. Is there someone at your clinic you can get weekly support from? A nurse or something? Just to help take a load of diabetes details off your mind. Shucks hunny I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. You will pull through this because you are a string person. Figuring out the problem is half the battle, now you just need a plan to get through. Best of luck and best wishes. Please keep blogging cos I'm worried about you. Email me if you need an ear to chat to.

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  4. I wish I had something constructive to say, but the only thing that's coming to mind is that you need someone to talk to, preferably someone who really understands how much diabetes sucks, how unfair it is. The Diabetes Online Community is here for you, and sometimes it's good to have a conversation face-to-face with someone who'll listen.

    If it's any consolation, all the running I do hasn't seemed to help my A1c at all either. I think it's a conspiracy.

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  5. Well this sucks sweaty balls!

    First off, thank you. Thank you for putting it all out there...out here. I imagine it is a little "freeing" to just slap it out. Secondly, it helps those of us who care about you understand a bit more on where your mental status is at and why...and how.

    The divorce...the uterus time-line...the A1C bullshit...the unemployment...then the day-in and out of "D"...has got to be overwhelming Scully.

    Jeff has a great point. Do you have a local "D" support system or group? And/or does your endo have someone? Also, has the change in antidepressants messed with your mood stability a bit...I know that can be an issue when you are trying to change things up a bit.

    Lots of stuff...and I know you are not looking to us for answers, just support. We are here, the whole lot of us. Keep writing. You are not alone. Ever.

    You are weighing heavy on my mind and heart.

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  6. I hope writing is as cathartic for you as it is for me. Keep doing it, it's a good form of therapy and helps to organize thoughts. The only constructive thing I can offer, besides support of course, to ask if you can find another endo? Just because one doc believes something, doesn't make him/her the final word. I am very familiar with the frustrations caused by a doc who can't think outside the box and the euphoria that goes along with finding one who can and will. I would be a mess if I hadn't changed. Hang in there!! We're here to read if you need to vent it out.

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  7. It just isn't fair for life to be throwing that much crappy stuff at you. :( I wish I had something to say to make it all better. Please know there are a ton of us in the D-OC who are pulling for you and keeping you in our thoughts.

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  8. Just echoing what the others have said. It sucks like hell that everythings happening at once for you but if/when you're ready to share more then we'll all be here for you.

    Hopefully this post has helped release some of the anger/frustration..

    *bear hugs*

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  9. Damnit I'm so sorry, Chris. This is a lot of crap to try to handle. I wish I could help in some way. Please hang on.

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  10. Scully,
    Normally I'm not one to give advice as I can't really stand when people tell me they know what I'm going through when really how could they they're not me. So I will save you that line because I don't know what YOU'RE going through. However, I do feel that I can somewhat relate, and honestly I don't know what can make it better, I just know that at times I've felt so down with this disease and then all of a sudden, something works and it seems not so bad anymore. I'm guessing the stress you're under probably isn't helping with your blood sugars and state of mind, etc. So, my dear blog friend, because I know you're all about the Kraft peanut butter, the only advice I will give you (Warning: Not all would agree with this advice.) Get out the big wooden spoon and start eating, don't care about anything else, just mow down on that creamy peanut buttery goodness until you start feeling some comfort ... least that's what I'd do with chocolate :-)
    Hope everything starts working out for you soon.

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  11. THIS IS THE PITTS!

    I'm so sorry to hear about your tricycle, my friend. But...I do appreciate your transparency. Sometimes I feel like the only people in the world who "get" me are the people hiding behind these blogs. Thank you. Thank you for writing so I can be blessed to know you.

    I don't have any answers.

    But I have news for you.

    A long time ago -- like -- long enough ago that it was in a previous lifetime, I'm sure ... I used to run.

    Yup.

    I was training for a marathon, in fact...when I found out I was preggo with Sugar and stopped.

    I am now overweight with high cholesterol, and trying to figure out what the hell happened.

    When I found your blog and read through your running stories, I couldn't believe it. I freaking tried to run. And I don't have T1. And you blow my mind!

    So I've been toying with the idea of possibly, MAYBE, thinking about...signing up for a half marathon in Jan 2012.

    This most ridiculous crazy thought would have NEVER entered my mind had I not found your blog.

    This weekend I'll be running with my BodyBack girls. I'm going to see how that workout goes....if I survive, I might be a step closer to registering.

    http://espnwwos.disney.go.com/events/rundisney/tinker-bell-half-marathon/

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