You can only hear the sentences "It could be worse" and "It will get better" so many times for so long before you start denying the existence of "good".
I have debated writing this for a really really long time. I mean REALLY long time. The post I wrote yesterday was like my last plea for help. My public voice to the universe that my struggle is very loud and clear. I have done such a good job at pretending it's not as bad as it is. Putting on faces from time to time and carrying on with my life sometimes like nothing is wrong.
This will sound like a whole lot of ranting and raving and especially complaining but I genuinely feel that some of you out there that read and comment (like yesterday) are people that I can trust. If this post makes it to the "publish" button then I guess you'll know what I mean.
Why have I hit this point of no return? Why have I come to a place in my life where I'm exposing myself?
The whole shitty story of me:
Well, firstly and most importantly the main reason for my screaming struggle is that I failed at my marriage this time last year. I broke our lives together and lost the only good thing I ever had. With each passing month I get farther and farther away from peace. I hurt more, I cry more and I hate myself more. I hate being without the biggest support I've ever had. I hate living alone with this chronic illness with no emotional support. I learned the mega hard way that I need that emotional support. I need someone to help share this burden. I never thought that dealing with it alone could be so horrible and painful. Nevermind totally loosing my mate, my best friend, my everything.
Loosing my husband meant living alone in our house with no one to rely on but myself. I quit a job I loved because of the commuting distance. I had the most amazing benefits there, 100% unlimited coverage. I left for a job that I despised within the first day. I then went to work for another small company that didn't have benefits. I was taking a pay cut and no benefits. I thought I could just find private health care but I quickly found out that nary a soul would insure me because of my disease. I got fired from this job within a year for working on freelance on a day that I was legitimately home sick with a snotty slobbery cold. My boss logged onto my computer and read my personal gmail. I was canned the following morning. From here I went to another job through a friend of mine. I liked the job and the people but the pay was the least I had been paid in my entire professional career. I didn't find out until 2 weeks into what I thought was a permanent full-time position that it was a 3 month contract with the hope of having enough work to keep me full-time. Yeah, 2 weeks before my 3 months they let me go. And now that is where I currently sit. Money wasn't good with me before I took the job and now I am borrowing from my parents to survive and pay bills.
I also recently got snagged with a $5000 income tax owing due to my freelance business.
And then, on Friday I visited my Endo. The news laid on my lap that day was not something so overly pressing. It was just the straw that broke the camels back. The days leading up to my appointment I was dreading it. I knew I couldn't take another fucking blow. Every single god damned time I go to my Endo I leave crying for some reason or another. I wanted to cancel the appointment for fear of not knowing how to handle more bad news. Perhaps I'm a masochist because I didn't and I went. If you know me at all personally or online through my blog you will know how fucking hard I work. How lame my diet is. How much I exercise until I can't move. My determination to fight this disease has always been more than I thought I had in me. 4 months ago I saw my very first A1C drop and it was relatively significant. At the same time I also got some awful cholesterol news. He told me I really needed to think about if I wanted to have kids in the next 6 months to a year. Otherwise I would be starting life long cholesterol lowering medications that I would not be able to consider getting pregnant. Basically he gave me a time line. I want to have a baby very much. And here I am, 3 months separated being told I might have a time limit on my uterus. He told me the same thing on Friday. When he said "what are your plans with kids?" I started crying. I had been trying for the past 2 or 3 years to actively get my body into baby-safe zone. With each endo appointment my A1C has continued to climb. Until 4 months ago. But Friday? my A1C is right back up where it was before. THIS is what sent me spiraling down into the abyss. The more I work, the harder I try, the worse my body gets. How can I possibly find motivation in that? Put yourself in my diabetic shoes whether you have diabetes or not, and answer that question. The harder I try, the worse I get.
To add fuel to the emotional fire, I have been on anti-depressants since last summer. I was on one brand for 10 months before my doctor decided to switch me onto something else because it clearly wasn't helping. So right now, I have been weaning myself off of one brand for the past couple weeks only to start a new one. This is bad timing also. Life itself is bad timing.
I continue to force myself to work-out but I have not been gaining any pleasure from it. I feel kind of like a robot tying up my runners and pushing play on my shuffle. I don't even know why I still do it. Perhaps its an unconscious routine. Otherwise I take gravol (dramamine for you US folks) because it knocks me out and forces me to sleep for long periods of time.
There are 3 things in life. Love, Wealth and Health.
I lost my love, I have no wealth and my health is also continuing to degrade. I have my family whom I love dearly and couldn't ever imagine not being in their lives or my niece and nephew's lives. Really, this is my final hope.
So you see.... this is what has brought me to where I am. All three tires on my tricycle are fucking blown. I have nothing to lean onto for strength, nobody to help share my mental burdens.
I repeat what I wrote in my last post: I don't know what to do now. I've tried for so long to hold myself together. I don't want to be here, in this place, waiting to see what other horrible news is around the corner. So I don't lie, not one bit with these posts. I wouldn't have written them if I still had hope. Thank you from the bottom of my burning eyes for your kind words.
You wonder why I have that pessimistic attitude on life.