When do I determine the time where I throw everything away?
Where is the point of no return?
I have totally come to this point before in my diabetic life. Where I just can't hold on to it any more. Every time this happens it takes longer and longer for me to gain my footing again. Eventually I get back into the mindset of trying even harder. But with each time I loose a bit of my strength. I try harder but not as hard as the last time and the time before that. This is what I'm on the brink of now. I just can't possibly keep working for nothing. No wait, excuse me, not for nothing. I am working to move backwards. I beg the question over and over again, "When do I stop trying?"
The answer, "NOW." seems to be surfacing so much that I don't have any strength left in me to push it down any more.
I read all sorts of posts where you amazing people continue to push forward against all odds. You continue to fight the game no matter what kind of horrible set backs are thrown in your face. I know because I was one of those people. As diabetics, when we stop fighting, we die. That sort of strength seems not to exist in my world. Any more.
I have come to a point where I don't know what to say. I have come to a point I never - in my entire life - imagined I would be. When things got shittier I would dwell and then move forward. When I saw a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel it gave me new hope and I discovered a new fight inside me. But when that glimmer of hope lasted only a second of time in the grand scheme of things, that's where I start to give up. When I have written blood work proof that the harder I work the worse I get, well, it's over. I could hold my head up and keep going if anything paid off, but it doesn't. It continues to do just the opposite.
This time, I have no fucking clue where I'm going to muster up the fight inside of me. I am not scared any more of dying. I am not scared of anything. I knew I couldn't mentally handle another blow to my life. I have totally lost my fragile state and have discovered a whole new low. Calmness. Not fighting. Letting these things eat me up like termites. I will become dust in due time. The walls are gone, the barriers burned.
I am not afraid, because I have given up hope.
I do NOT know what to do now. I do not know how to keep on.... keeping on. I write this as honestly as I feel. I can't stop saying, I never imagined this sort of life for myself.
Scully..... failing. not flailing but drowning.
I don't know what to do people. I'm going to keep writing this blog though.