Saturday, April 16, 2011

Going... Going...

When do I call it quits?
When do I determine the time where I throw everything away?
Where is the point of no return?

I have totally come to this point before in my diabetic life.  Where I just can't hold on to it any more.  Every time this happens it takes longer and longer for me to gain my footing again.  Eventually I get back into the mindset of trying even harder.  But with each time I loose a bit of my strength.  I try harder but not as hard as the last time and the time before that.  This is what I'm on the brink of now.  I just can't possibly keep working for nothing.  No wait, excuse me, not for nothing.  I am working to move backwards.  I beg the question over and over again, "When do I stop trying?"

The answer, "NOW." seems to be surfacing so much that I don't have any strength left in me to push it down any more.

I read all sorts of posts where you amazing people continue to push forward against all odds.  You continue to fight the game no matter what kind of horrible set backs are thrown in your face.  I know because I was one of those people.  As diabetics, when we stop fighting, we die.  That sort of strength seems not to exist in my world.  Any more.

I have come to a point where I don't know what to say.  I have come to a point I never - in my entire life - imagined I would be.  When things got shittier I would dwell and then move forward.  When I saw a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel it gave me new hope and I discovered a new fight inside me.  But when that glimmer of hope lasted only a second of time in the grand scheme of things, that's where I start to give up.  When I have written blood work proof that the harder I work the worse I get, well, it's over.  I could hold my head up and keep going if anything paid off, but it doesn't.  It continues to do just the opposite.

This time, I have no fucking clue where I'm going to muster up the fight inside of me.  I am not scared any more of dying.  I am not scared of anything.  I knew I couldn't mentally handle another blow to my life.  I have totally lost my fragile state and have discovered a whole new low.  Calmness.  Not fighting.  Letting these things eat me up like termites.  I will become dust in due time.  The walls are gone, the barriers burned.

I am not afraid, because I have given up hope.

I do NOT know what to do now.  I do not know how to keep on.... keeping on.  I write this as honestly as I feel.  I can't stop saying, I never imagined this sort of life for myself.


Diabetes wins.
Scully.....  failing.  not flailing but drowning.

I don't know what to do people.  I'm going to keep writing this blog though.

16 comments:

  1. No.

    You are WAY TOO STRONG. I saw that flatline....in the middle of a huge race. I watched you run in ridiculous temperatures...climb stairs at a crazy pace...and conquer this beast time and time again.

    I don't give a rat's ass (and I don't cuss for just anyone, btw) about whatever crap you feel is proof that you're failing at the game of life. I know better. And I realize that may sound like crap since I don't actually "know" you, but YOU HAVE shown amazing strength and resilience in the time I've been following your story and there's NO WAY I'm going to believe that you have it in you to lay down and stop fighting.

    I believe in you. And I don't care if you're living in a tent with nothing but an insulin pump to your name....stuff doesn't matter in the end. I still know you're a winner and will never stop believing that!

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  2. Keep writing! Keep fighting! Don't give up! Don't let diabetes win! You can do this! The DOC is here for you!

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  3. Scully..I know you haven't given up hope because you wrote this post. You are a fighter. You are strong. Sometimes the greatest strength is found in admitting your feelings out loud. This does NOT make you weak. It means you have courage. I know I am a stranger thousands of miles away. I may not be able to physically be there to lift you up but I am HERE. YOU are important to me and I am routing for you to keep on keeping on. I need you! Keep looking D in the face and saying "F*&k you Diabetes! I will NOT let you win!!"

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  4. That took so much strength, courage and FIGHT to write that out! Didn't I just read that you ran a 30K? Holy cow... you kidding me? You definitely have FIGHT in you girl! I don't always have the time to comment, but when I read that, I was in awe of you! So please, don't say that you don't have the fight in you. I KNOW THAT is not the case!

    As the mother of a young T1, I NEED you to keep fighting and keep writing! I NEED to hear your success stories. I NEED to hear about your challenges. You matter to me, and I'll venture to say the whole DOC! Please keep fighting!

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  5. NO WAY ARE "WE" GOING TO LET T1 WIN!!

    That is not how it works in these parts my dear!! You can do this, I know you can!!

    You have given me hope and belief that Cara can and will be the amazing little athlete that she was born to be with t1 in her life.

    I look up to you and you have inspired me and there is just no way that I will let this disease eat you up like that!

    You are an amazing, human being that has had a very hard "run" at life right now and I'm so sorry for that!! BUT you will get through this and if you need to talk a little and a little more support I'm not toooo far away about 3 hours. wecaralot@gmail.com

    You must start to believe you are worth this fight. Please start believing that!!

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  6. Your not failing at all! The very fact that you've written this post shows that!
    Scully, I really do believe that we learn from all of our life's experiments, diabetes included.
    We learn what works, we learn what doesn't, but we learn, and continue to do so every day!
    You have so many people who care and love and are very proud of you.
    So continue to learn, and be, and do and write and become!

    To quote Ice Cube: Life's not a track meet - it's a marathon.

    And from what I can tell, those that finish the marathon aren't the fastest, but they are ones who continue on the course, regardless of the bumps in the road~
    HUGS!
    Kelly K

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  7. If I had a long enough rope, I'd toss it to you...
    I'm glad you wrote this. I think we all want to quit at times, not just diabetes, but anything that's knocking us around.
    Your persistence has always given me a boost. I don't run but boy, I've sometimes felt like I was with you as you wrote about your runs.
    You're an amazing person, a winner.

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  8. I'm not sure what to say except that one thing I've learned about you from reading your blog is that you have A LOT of heart and persistence. The down side to that is when you get kicked, you get kicked harder and feel it more than someone who half asses things. But you come back stronger, once you find a reason and those reasons come from the strangest damned places. Hang in there, by writing this post, you've reached out a hand and we've extended ours for you to hold onto until you can summon the strength to pull yourself up. There's no shame in getting knocked down, it happens to all of us.

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  9. Diabetes doesn't win. Not with you. From what I've read, you are such a strong, kick diabetes ass kind of girl, and I truly believe you will continue to kick this beast's ass, and YOU will win. Hang in there...

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  10. Don't you dare give up Scully, don't you dare let shitty D beat you!

    Kick its ass back to the curb where it belongs :)

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  11. Mother Fucker...I just left a REALLY LONG comment and it is lost.

    I have been following you for quite awhile Scully. Why? Because of your strength, your endurance, your "heart", your "try", your quirkiness. You have many, many qualities that I admire and that inspire me to do the BEST job by my son Joe. You do things against all odds. The runs in the sub-zero temps, the blood sugar experiments while running stairs, the crazy freezing "D" equipment stories. You are tougher than most. Mentally. Physically. Period.

    You will figure this out. You have no choice. Because, you have "try" Scully. Giving up isn't in your vocabulary. I am actually surprised by this post. I am glad you wrote it...but I am surprised. YOU ARE SCULLY. You aren't a quiter. Period.

    Love you.

    Email me if you need to "vent" or talk more...xoxo....I am WORRIED.

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  12. Reyna said it all.

    Believe it or not...there are people in the world who need YOU!

    Not somebody 'like' you, YOU the real person, the REAL deal.

    Please don't ever give up.

    It may sound a bit selfish, but...WE need YOU!

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  13. What everyone up above said. We're here to hold you up and have no intention of letting you go under.

    What can I do to help?

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  14. Keep your chin up. You rock the fucking casa, what with the running and the Canadianness and the awesome.

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  15. I won't copy what everyone else has already said bec they've said it so well. YOU ROCK SISTA FRIEND and we love you!
    You're a kick butt and ask questions later kinda gal and I think you're amazing. I have been lurking and reading this blog for a long long time in hopes of getting out there and running a 5K race. AND becuase of you and your proven perserverence & strength I have started my runningroom training course to complete a 5K race.

    This is because you've shown me that I can. Thank you for that.
    Clara

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  16. Scullyyy...I echo what Reyna said because I agree and because I could not say it better. I'm off to read your latest post which may explain more of what is going on....

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