I cried for a number of days out of frustration and anxiety. Through the haze I heard my mum say "This is definitely your lowest point." She wasn't trying to make me feel worse rather she was stating "It can't really get worse." (one of those statements that usually angers me) This means only one thing, a different direction other than a downward spiral.
What I can't control is what upsets me the most. So what CAN I control? What small steps at regaining a semblance of life can I take control over? First and foremost is my exercise. Its the only thing that has stood the test of time and breakdowns. I still have two feet and a heartbeat and with that I will move. I will run no matter how robotic it feels. I will spin no matter how many tears I shed in spin class disguised as sweat. I still have control over my body. Even if it is not where I want it to be. At least I can try my best to focus on that.
I can't control my diabetic numbers that are making me want to commit death by chocolate. I grieved over my numbers for a week now. I feel the cloud of guilt lifting. The guilt of which I keep failing at my diabetes. It takes longer and longer each time to recover and start walking again. I don't think I will ever have faith in my ability to manage this disease and it takes blow after blow to accept that. I am far from acceptance but the recognition is there.
Enter CGM sensors.
I have some sensors I've collected. Maybe enough for a month of full-time use. Normally, I might wear one or two sensors a month during times of experimenting and learning. Or for training purposes. One thing is for certain with the CGM, it makes diabetes 110% easier to manage. I mean that whole heartily. Sure sometimes sensor data is on crack but the benefits far outweigh the inaccurate data. It makes a fuck of a huge difference in how I manage my diabetes. It adds a huge element of knowledge that meter testing doesn't give you. I no longer feel blind in between blood sugar checks. I can catch bad things before they happen and prevent debilitating lows and deadly highs. I said to my endo last week, "I wish I could use it full-time because I have so much control." I'm not going to go into the whole Non-coverage for CGM in Canada because I've written about it before. In a nutshell, no matter what, CGM supplies come out of pocket. A Metronic transmitter is $700CAN and each sensor is $50CAN.
I have decided that no matter whose ass I have to kiss or how far in debt my credit cards get, I am going to wear my CGM full-time for the next 3 or 4 months. Until my next endo appointment. I feel I have lost all hope in controlling this disease and I know how much better I am with a CGM. Whatever it takes, I need to hold onto something.
This morning something happened that could have been prevented. Number one reason why CGMs rock the universe. I went to bed super late. Yesterday was day 5 of my sensor and no matter how many times I tried to calibrate it, it was still just a bit low. My BG was running in the range of 5-7 (holy crap yes I'm serious) but the CGM kept hovering around 4 and my low threshold alarm is set for 4. I went to bed at 2am and turned off the low threshold so it didn't continuously wake me up every 20 minutes wailing that I was low when I was in fact within range. Never cry wolf. I slept in because sleep comes and goes in fits with me. Upon wakening I saw this:
Fuck. Now I felt like a horrible piece of sloppy droopy rotten fruit. That nasty low could have been avoided if I had my low threshold on.