Monday, April 4, 2011

F*** - IT

It's Monday.

Sometimes life really sucks.
Sometimes life seems to follow the path of suckiness for a long period of time.  Like a year.

and SOMETIMES you just gotta say "fuck-it".  So that's where I am.  It's where I've been for awhile now.  I have put off writing something so awful and personal but here I am, doing just that. Fuck-it.

It feels like a fail safe in my brain.  High security measures to keep me from imploding at a moments notice.  I'm in self protection mode.  It's not like burn-out at all.  It's just that I don't have the ability to deal with some everyday normal things any more.  I have piles of papers sitting on my desk.  I find myself waiting until the last moment to open my bills only to find out I'm already late paying some of them.  Dishes pile up, the house gets messy.  My car is long overdue for an oil change.  I waited until March 31st to sign up for my next half marathon and found out the cut-off date was March 30th for the cheaper price.  I knew this months ago.  So why did I wait till the last minute? Or what I thought was the last minute.   Well, because I just don't give a fuck.  Furthermore, I can't afford to run races.  For someone who is such a non-procrastinator, I think it's turning into my second name. Fuck-it.

It seems every time I try to get my life back on track something happens.  I've been through 4 jobs in the past year.  One I got fired from, and on Friday I just got let go from another job because of lack of work to keep me busy.  Then another job I absolutely hated the shit out of.  My freelance business took a major crap because I haven't really gotten anything coming in since the end of last year.  Needless to say I'm out whoring myself on the internet trying to drum up work.  Freelance was a small portion of my income.  Fuck-it.

I am drowning in life's responsibilities and bullshits.  I'm drowning in my expensive disease and not having proper health benefits for over 15 months now.  Again, how does one cope?  By saying FUCK IT.  Screw the small shit.  I can't be bothered to waste my worrying on dishes and laundry.  I need to focus on my sanity. Which is where my exercise comes in.  I'd rather come home and go for a run than get a damn oil change.  Although I have a foot injury from running and I'm trying to stay off it. Fuck-it, that foot.

The biggest problem lately? More closely in the past couple weeks?  I have been turning to my diabetes and also saying fuck it.  Bad bad diabetic. I haven't been turning a blind eye on it, I've just not cared so much seeing those highs and lows.  I didn't care the other night when I saw a high and continued to stuff my face with chocolate while rage bolusing.  Something I normally wouldn't do.  I said fuck-it.

Being without a full-time job with benefits is killing me - slowly and literally.  It terrifies me.  Why? Because I live alone in a house with only my own income to support myself.  So when I loose my job (I was 2 weeks away from benefits) I feel helpless.  It's a helpless I can't explain to someone without D.  I have no support, I have no one to help me hold up this financial and mental burden.  I have had a couple friends suggest selling it all and hopping on a plane, go back to teach English or something.  Anything is possible.  Except I fear the suffering of my health if I do something spontaneous like that at this stage.  Sure I can stop buying my favourite lattes or spending gas money to visit friends but I can't stop taking insulin and testing my blood sugar.  Those test strips, hundreds of dollars a month on test strips. Time to strip ration. Fuck-it.

There is no on to rely on but myself.  I feel like I'm failing my diabetes because it doesn't have the support it needs from me, and I don't have the support I need from someone else.  My seams are bursting. Fuck-it.

Just when you think things can't get worse, they do.  So to that I say Fuck-it.

5 comments:

  1. Oh, I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now!! I hope all these Fuck it's and expressing your feelings gets you back on the right side of the tracks. I totally get the financial burden of it all we do not have coverage and pay for all of Cara's supplies on our own...it is crazy expensive!!

    I really hope that things start to turn around for you. In my experience things always do get better, you just need to take the first steps in turning things around and maybe saying fuck it is your first step in taking your life in another direction!

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  2. Ah FUCK Scully...this sucks. I cannot do anything about the jobs...but how's the damn foot? Mine hurts like hell and I've got my 1/2 on Sat. I ran 12 on it yesterday...feels like I am standing on a nail. Ah..FUCK it.

    Love ya girl. Chin up. You...outta anyone I know will succeed with the most contagious, infectious case of the "FUCK ITS" ~ You are one tough broad...and while it sucks being the tough one...it is empowering as well.

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  3. SO SORRY that you are going through this. ((HUGS)) SOmetimes life...and diabetes right along with it (if not the cause of it) SUCKS!

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  4. Awwwwww Scully!!! Life does indeed SUCK sometimes..I agree with Reyna..you are tough and I know you will get through it!! I often find that once I get it all off my chest suddenly things start to turn around so consider this post a step in the right direction...I am routing for you..I hope things start to get better and soon!

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  5. I don't have words of consolation because I'm feeling a bit similar lately...and although I don't write F*** it on my blog (cuz my parents and 12 year old brother read it lol) I say it or think it. I sometimes look around at overwhelmed people and then realize that I have to deal with all the same things like money worries and relationship issues and such and then on top of that we've got diabetes which is 24/7! That's when I realize (usually while throwing something across the room) that it's just TOO much sometimes. So right now my desk is a serious mess, the kitchen-eww, and the bathroom...sparkling because my husband couldn't take it anymore so he cleaned it lol, but it sure as hell wasn't me. Then when I think my website is my last hope it gets hacked. And my first thought is, "I quit!" But somehow we wake up the next morning and keep going. It's amazing when you think about all we deal with. I hope life takes a few good turns for you really soon. Like everyone else said you're tough and can do this. Hang in there.

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