I have this friend who I exercise with sometimes. We are running buddies. I invited him to join my spin class Wednesday night at the gym as they were having an open house to non-members. He had been telling me how much he would like to try a spin class so it was the perfect opportunity! We didn't really get a chance to talk after the class as we were both eager to get home and shower. I waved goodnight to him as we walked to our respective cars and didn't hear from him for the rest of the night ... until Thursday morning.
THIS is the email I found in my inbox yesterday morning with the subject "Spin Class from the Netherworld"
Good morning Ms. Scully,
With regards to the spinning class that you invited me to attend last night, I am writing you to confirm the devil’s spawn that now resides in my quadriceps, upper thighs, hips and gluteous maximus. In short…my ass is killing me.
I was able to walk fairly calmly to the car last night, upon which I made a very terrible mistake…I sat down. The drive home was decent, but when I reached home and attempted to hike up 37 stairs, that is when the spawn of Hades decided to rear its evil life force from within my legs. I’ll explain further.
The first 5 stairs where a nice little burn, increasing with every step.
Stairs 5 to 10 starting to break a sweat, there is a slight twitching of the nerve in my ass, but all is good.
Stairs 10 to 25 my ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. The fiery pits of hell now reside in my legs and the devil’s having a BBQ. It is at this point that my body is saying, “I can’t do it captain, there just isn’t enough power”…but the brain now overrides my body’s pain threshold and responds with, “give ‘er!”
I walk across the flat landing to the 2nd stair run, mind you my legs are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames.
Stairs 25 to 37, you could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've permanently lost sight in one eye. My shirt is covered with sweat. My legs are full of lava and sweating to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's just too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen to my brain anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole that is starting to form in my legs.
I stagger into the hallway, determined to fall into the warm embrace of a hot shower in an attempt to burn the devilish atomic explosion that has now clawed itself from my quadriceps to my upper thighs past the hips and now resides in my gluteous maximus. This is where it decides to stay and fester for the remainder of the evening. Now within the cascading waterfall of one of the hottest showers that my body has ever embraced, it is the perfect ending to my existence. Combine that with fistfuls of liquid Advils that I’m now chewing like candy, the effect and the burn sensation retreat to a dull throbbing….THANK GOD THAT’S OVER…
So the question is….WHEN ARE WE DOING IT AGAIN?
I think I may have created a monster. One just like me, eish! I hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did while tears ran down my face yesterday morning. Thank you Jason for the heartfelt entertainment and for allowing me to share this hilarious peice of work with the DOC.