I ran into a little “argument” with a friend of mine the other day that has been heavy on my mind. I’m not sure how to explain it but here goes the story anyway:
This friend and I were talking about low blood sugars. I told him that I probably have them on average of once a day. Some days it’s every hour and some times I won’t have a low for a week. It averages out to once a day. Lately I’ve been having 2-5/day for a few weeks now. Most likely due to me getting used to all the constant working out I’ve been doing. I mentioned a low I had and he asked me about how I felt the next day. This is where the non-D folk have a hard time understanding. Sometimes they just don’t know. Lows happen, and they happen often for me. I’m glad I feel normal shortly after and within the hour I’ve forgotten about it (unless of course its one of those debilitating ones). Either way, I don’t even remember come the next day. I suppose that’s one misconception. He then said something that started an intense thought process in my head, he said, “I’ve learned to keep juice boxes on me when we go out.”
I immediately got my back up in defense. I was rather upset and enraged. You would think my first and foremost response would be “Thanks for looking out for me” but instead I felt very insulted. I proceeded to get a bit…er.. bitchy if you will. My reasons for feeling this way are just I believe. I got diagnosed as an adult (22yrs old). I’ve never EVER had anyone take care of me. From day one I learned to look out for myself. I’ve had friends and boyfriends in the past that tried to look out for me. These people usually give up once they’ve known me for awhile and realize I’ll never need their help. There have been a few times where someone has retrieved things for me but I’ve never been in an emergency situation where I have to RELY on anybody. I am the master of my disease. When other people try to do something nice like carry candy on them I turn into a demon and tell them where to shove it. This is really bad. After our little argument it really began to settle within me as to WHY I lash out on the kindness of others.
I finally figured it out.
I hate feeling like a damsel in distress that needs to be rescued.
See, I am a fiercely independent person almost to the point of not letting people in. To know that a friend has juice boxes at a moments notice makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like they think I can’t handle whatever D throws my way. It makes me feel like I am “sick” and in need of help. I can’t live like that. Even if I KNOW I should just be grateful the fire still burns my insides until I let it out. It always plays out the same way. I always end up feeling like a complete ass-hat. I would like to change, for whatever it’s worth.
One day, I'm going to need that persons juice box and it won't be there. I need to suck it up and let down my hair from time to time.
"The Diabetic Who Cried NO Juice Box"