Tuesday, September 28, 2010
My diabetes is on the back burner. This makes me upset for more than a few reasons. Firstly, it means that something else overly pressing is trumping my health. Secondly, it results in poor health. There we have the vicious circle that I'm certain every member of the DOC is thoroughly aware of. Diabetes is like a very needy 2 year old. It cant flourish without my constant supervision. Without my attention, it fails and eventually injures itself. It requires full-time supervision. It will never function if I only pay attention half the time. This is where I'm at.
There are situations in my life right now that I'm powerless to how they are affecting me. I'm burning the candle at both ends and unfortunately it's the diabetes that's taking the brunt of it. I have been trying my hardest to maintain some sort of normalcy to trick my pet D into thinking the routine hasn't broken. Thing is, I can't fake normal. I can't control my emotions or my moods. I can't control the stress and anxiety and depression that is all-consuming on my body lately. I can't play the game of ignorance and diabetes is being very honest with me. The stress is killing my diabetes management. I don't have the will power or the wherewithal to focus my attention on it. It's always the first thing to go in high-stress situations.
I have an appointment with my CDE tomorrow that I've been dreading moment to moment. I know what she's going to say. I'm going to get finger-wagged. I'm doing THIS wrong and THIS wrong and THIS wrong. I don't have the strength or will power to focus my attention on diabetes. I just DON'T and she isn't going to understand that. All she sees is a bunch of numbers on a pie chart and not the reasons behind it.
I can't control the situation.
I can't control the affect it has on this disease.
Diabetes only ever behaves itself when I am mentally and emotionally stable and right now my life is in shambles so that means so is my diabetes management. The worst part is that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. This journey feels like it will never end. My fear is that this will go on too long and diabetes is so unforgiving. It doesn't care that you are dealing with something else. Diabetes demands full attention every minute.
Here's hoping there's light.