Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Back Burner


My diabetes is on the back burner.  This makes me upset for more than a few reasons.  Firstly, it means that something else overly pressing is trumping my health.  Secondly, it results in poor health.  There we have the vicious circle that I'm certain every member of the DOC is thoroughly aware of.  Diabetes is like a very needy 2 year old.  It cant flourish without my constant supervision.  Without my attention, it fails and eventually injures itself.  It requires full-time supervision.  It will never function if I only pay attention half the time.  This is where I'm at.

There are situations in my life right now that I'm powerless to how they are affecting me.  I'm burning the candle at both ends and unfortunately it's the diabetes that's taking the brunt of it.  I have been trying my hardest to maintain some sort of normalcy to trick my pet D into thinking the routine hasn't broken.  Thing is, I can't fake normal.  I can't control my emotions or my moods.  I can't control the stress and anxiety and depression that is all-consuming on my body lately.  I can't play the game of ignorance and diabetes is being very honest with me.  The stress is killing my diabetes management.  I don't have the will power or the wherewithal to focus my attention on it.  It's always the first thing to go in high-stress situations. 

I have an appointment with my CDE tomorrow that I've been dreading moment to moment.  I know what she's going to say.  I'm going to get finger-wagged.  I'm doing THIS wrong and THIS wrong and THIS wrong.  I don't have the strength or will power to focus my attention on diabetes.  I just DON'T and she isn't going to understand that.  All she sees is a bunch of numbers on a pie chart and not the reasons behind it.

I can't control the situation.
I can't control the affect it has on this disease.

Diabetes only ever behaves itself when I am mentally and emotionally stable and right now my life is in shambles so that means so is my diabetes management.  The worst part is that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  This journey feels like it will never end.  My fear is that this will go on too long and diabetes is so unforgiving.  It doesn't care that you are dealing with something else.  Diabetes demands full attention every minute. 

Here's hoping there's light.

6 comments:

  1. I have a lot of these feelings when life gets difficult. I can talk about how it's 24/7 when I'm doing all right. But when things are going bad, that's when it really hits me that diabetes isn't going to give me a break while I get the rest of my life in order.
    My best wishes to you as you come through this time.

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  2. Here's hoping the shambles reassemble into something easier to handle, leaving you time and energy to reign in your diabetes and get some peace from both.
    Also hoping your CDE will have gotten a reality check and be interested in the whole of you, not just a pie chart representation.
    hugs from MN.

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  3. It seems there are bad feelings everywhere we turn, aren't there? We don't pay enough attention to the D, we feel guilty. Then we go to the doctor, and hear how not well we're doing, and we feel guilty. Sometimes we try as hard as we can, things still go wrong, and we feel guilty.

    Sometimes it feels like you can't win - but I hope you'll keep fighting. It's all about a small step here and there. We're all cheering you on.

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  4. I hope the situations work themselves out soon and your CDE appointment wasn't as bad as you thought x

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  5. Sometimes our doctors need a good punch in the throat. ;) Just kidding... but it would feel good eh? For the most part, they help but sometimes they can really poke an open wound. Don't let them get you down.

    Maybe before you guys even start looking at numbers or anything let them know what's been going on. Be brutally honest with them and then they won't have anything to wag a finger about - unless they are completely evil. Let them know "I know my sugars have been really off lately and I honestly need some advice with it. _______ has been going on and _________ has been going on and then I don't test and honestly I don't care to sometimes... and I feel horrible. I know I need to keep on top of D but it feels like right now I can't and honestly I don't want to." Hopefully they'll have some compassion!

    Other than that, do you know of any D conferences around Ontario? I'd love to go to one and am looking for one and would love to meet up with other Can. T1Ds.

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  6. I just want you to know that I'm praying for you....I hear your words and recognize the reality you're facing. While I don't have diabetes, I know exactly what it feels like to want to shove it aside and allow other things to take precedence. I also know what it feels like to ignore the blastard and have consequences to deal with later.

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