I work and I work and I work. I persevere, I fight, I struggle, I try so hard. I exercise 'till I collapse. I run, I cycle, I walk. I sweat for hours each week. I eat the most healthy diet. Low sugar, low carb, low fat, low sodium, small portions, gluten-free, artificial sweetener-free, meat-free, taste-free.
I push myself to my absolute limits. And for what? Nothing but the opposite to what I was striving for. Is it even possible to attempt to tighten my control anymore? I don't believe it is. I am already measuring and weighing and calculating everything that passes my lips. My quality of life has decreased ten fold. Everything that goes into my mouth is simply a number and nutrition. I can't eat out, I hate eating in front of people because of the questions that inevitably ensue. "Is that ALL you're having?". I rarely waver from my stupid strict diet. There is no enjoyment in food what-so-ever. Although I love to exercise, a lot of the reason I do it to the extreme that I do is to lengthen my life and death sentence. Would I exercise this much otherwise? Probably not to the extent that I do. If I stop though, I'll probably hear the clock start ticking away. SO I PUSH faster, harder, longer. To no avail.
I am discouraged. I am hanging my head not in shame but out of distress, despair, sadness and fear. How can I possibly continue when my efforts are doing nothing but making my body worse? Why the fuck do I even bother anymore? My perseverance is a black hole.
Needless to say, I had my endo appointment yesterday. Higher A1C, gaining weight, higher cholesterol and very high risk for heart disease. 8 years. I've only had diabetes for 8 years.
My body is never going to be baby ready.
I sort of apologize for this post and at the same time I don't. This is me, in a nutshell and the shell is getting pretty thin. I don't expect any sympathy at all. I just want my old life back. I would do anything for that.