Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Black Hole


I work and I work and I work.  I persevere, I fight, I struggle, I try so hard.  I exercise 'till I collapse.  I run, I cycle, I walk.  I sweat for hours each week.  I eat the most healthy diet.  Low sugar, low carb, low fat, low sodium, small portions, gluten-free, artificial sweetener-free, meat-free, taste-free.

I push myself to my absolute limits.  And for what?  Nothing but the opposite to what I was striving for.  Is it even possible to attempt to tighten my control anymore?  I don't believe it is.  I am already measuring and weighing and calculating everything that passes my lips.  My quality of life has decreased ten fold.  Everything that goes into my mouth is simply a number and nutrition.  I can't eat out, I hate eating in front of people because of the questions that inevitably ensue.  "Is that ALL you're having?".  I rarely waver from my stupid strict diet.  There is no enjoyment in food what-so-ever.  Although I love to exercise, a lot of the reason I do it to the extreme that I do is to lengthen my life and death sentence.  Would I exercise this much otherwise?  Probably not to the extent that I do.  If I stop though, I'll probably hear the clock start ticking away.  SO I PUSH faster, harder, longer.  To no avail.  

I am discouraged.  I am hanging my head not in shame but out of distress, despair, sadness and fear.  How can I possibly continue when my efforts are doing nothing but making my body worse?  Why the fuck do I even bother anymore?  My perseverance is a black hole.

Needless to say, I had my endo appointment yesterday.  Higher A1C, gaining weight, higher cholesterol and very high risk for heart disease.  8 years.  I've only had diabetes for 8 years.

My body is never going to be baby ready.

I sort of apologize for this post and at the same time I don't.  This is me, in a nutshell and the shell is getting pretty thin.  I don't expect any sympathy at all.  I just want my old life back.  I would do anything for that.

7 comments:

  1. Scully,
    You are not alone! Keeping in mind that your opinion is the only one that actually matters here, I can say with certainty that I've been there and sometimes go back to feeling that way even after diabetes x 20 yrs.

    I have often half joked that if I were of the eating disorder persuasion, having diabetes and striving for good control, exercising and eating a gluten free diet would be a dead ringer for an eating disorder. After all we do a lot of counting and measuring and lable reading.

    I think the most important thing to remember (I need to remind myself of this all the time) is that they are just numbers and we only get one life...we need to live it and be safe/healthy but have some fun too.

    Keep up the hard work and it'll happen. It has to.

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  2. I'm gonna email you. ***hugs***

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  3. ...I'm right there with ya...High A1C, gaining weight, higher cholesterol and all :(

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  4. its evil evil evil. Diabetes+evil=DEVIL!

    it's so hard to "keep up the good work" when the "good work" results in "bad numbers"

    I know we are all in this together.

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  5. Wow - so frustrating. Sending you feeling better vibes. It's one day at a time...though what I'd give for any one free day every now and then.

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  6. That is so frustrating....I wish there was something that I could say to help, but all I can do is send you some hugs (((HUGS)))

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  7. I know I'm late in posting my comment on this one, but I would like to share my philosophy, take it or leave it. It might not appeal:

    I've had T1 for 22 years. I sometimes hate it with a deep dark, raging hate. But because there is nothing I can do to change the fact that I am diabetic, I accept I have diabetes and make the best choices I can. I also live by the advice of my favourite ever diabetes nurse educator, who said "you're a person, with diabetes. We have to find a way that enables you to live your life, and tailor your treatment around it. Not the other way around." I try and remember that when I get an HbA1c that's higher than I like, or a string of crappy highs and lows bouncing all over the place, that it's not MY fault, it's because I have diabetes. We are only human and we make an amazing effort everyday. Don't beat yourself up! :)

    Big hugs!

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