Friday, July 9, 2010

Diabetic Thought Process on FOOD

Food.
It is the bane of my existence. The cause of all my problems both Diabetes and IBS.   I don't know what my last A1C was, (well I do, I'm just afraid to be honest) but it wasn't good.  I've been struggling for 2 years to get my A1C under 7.  I'm failing miserably.  I blame it all on that "thing" we call food.  Why do I have to eat?  I dont' enjoy food anymore.  I don't see it as enjoyment, I see it as something I can't avoid.  Who ever actually THINKS about food more than the length of time it takes to eat it and forget about it anyway?  Well now I see food under a whole new light.  Its no longer food, its a bowl of numbers and ingredients.  Is it fat? Is it carbs? Is it protein? Is it free?   My blood sugar is only ever stable when I don't eat.  This has become increasingly apparent as I watch what happens on my CGM.  Everything spikes into the stratosphere. 

Lets say I would like to enjoy a piece of bread.  A small piece of staple food we are all familiar with.  With this slice of bread comes a myriad of coefficients.  Is it store bought or home made? Do I need to look it up on the Internet and weight it? Is it white or whole wheat? Is it morning, afternoon or night?  Have I exercised in the past 24 hours? Will I be exercising in the next few hours?  What kind of exercise will it be and how long?  Is it my time of the month, or right before or right after?  Am I stressed out today? Was I stressed out yesterday?  Do I predict stress?  What's the last thing I ate and when?  Is there any insulin on board?  Maybe I want to have some peanut butter on my bread?  Butter? Jam?  Maybe the food label lied about the carbs or fibre?  Maybe my carb ratio isn't right?  Is there a bubble in my tubing?  Is the infusion set in right?  WHERE is the infusion set?  How old is my insulin in my pump?  What if I loose my appetite half-way through?  What if I'm sick and I don't know it yet?  What if it's Saturday?  What if I slept in?  Did I have a low recently?  What if I had a lot of coffee?  WHAT IF SOMETHING COMES UP?

I could probably keep going with this list, but I will spare you.  Then there's the ever-present reality that what works today, won't work tomorrow but might work the next day.  It's fucking russian roulette with some numbers in a different language I can't read.  I can't figure it out.  I can't understand the ever-changing equation that inevitably always leads to STRESS.   Food is simply sustenance, nothing more to me.  I've lost most of my enjoyment in it through weighing, measuring and calculating.  There are still things I love but most of it is lost on me.  I see it as different types of fuel and a million kinds of GUILT.  There is always a moment of anxiety after I eat something when I wished I just hadn't eaten.  

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