I've noticed a trend in some blog posts I've read over the past few days. It's that of defeat and despair. I've also noticed a handful of posts about community, family and support. It's a bit contradictory and I feel no less than exactly the same, to both. The struggle for me to persevere through the ups and downs of this disease has been especially hard lately. I've also discovered new-found friendships and camaraderie since joining the D-OC. Are they linked?
Am I finding like-minded also-struggling friendly-diabetics because I'm finding management terribly difficult?
Who's really to know? I have a feeling I've always struggled with management. The more effort and awareness I put into it, the more sensitive I become to noticing the difficulties. The tighter I try to reign in my control, the more stressful it makes life feel. I sit on the fence every day of my life. I hide and quietly struggle because I know very few who can relate to me. I sometimes also lash out and express my D-despair loudly to family and friends. Its no lie, they don't understand. Yet the encouragement I've received from a few of the D-OC have filled me with new found energy to keep picking myself back up and going head to head with the D.
I never know which side of the fence I am comfortable being on. I feel defeated by my condition half the time and I am generally a pessimist so naturally I lean to that side. The other half of the time I am trying desperately to be optimistic and take Dlife day by day via will power and force. I usually sit somewhere between the two rarely wandering too far into either. I sense it's like a teeter-totter. The downs balance out the ups. The frustrations vs. the encouragement.
I don't know what the point of this post is, I guess it's to explain that I, too, feel the D-despair. I also feel support I've never had before since becoming a part of this online community. Its really taken me by surprise and I only hope it helps to influence my outlook in a more positive manner. I'm trying, I really am.