I Challenge Diabetes Century Group Ride

I hate how the weather can make or break plans. One minute it was calling for sporadic showers but nothing substantial. The next it was calling for a downpour. Either way, it ended up being nothing that was predicted.

I was scheduled to do a ride with a fantastic group owned and operated by one Chris Jarvis. Pro Type1 rowing Olympian and adventure seeker extraordinaire.  "I Challenge Diabetes" is his non-profit organization. It was really just a group of us getting together to do some cycling. We were meeting in Toronto to ride to Burlington. About a 50-60km ride so nothing all that long. Some of them were riding back to Toronto but I was planning to just ride to my car nearby.

Generally if the skies are opened for torrential downpour I’ll opt to wait out the weather or not ride at all. I literally waited until the last minute before deciding to go. I had trepidation as I was collecting all my things the night before. I had to get out to Toronto so if I was going, there was no turning back. I hopped on the train with anxiety in my belly. Anxiety in the form of coffee and forced oatmeal that had my stomach in knots the whole train ride. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. A group of people I've never met with bikes. I had no idea if I would be discouraged and overwhelmed by a fast pace or hanging out with the slower folks on big ‘ol mountain bikes. It was going to rain, no doubt about that, but at least it was warm. I can handle being soaked as long as I'm warm.

Pre-ride chitty chat while hopelessly staying dry under the highway. Photo courtesy of ICD.

There were 6 of us in the fast group. 4 guys, 2 girls. We rode in single file because it was pouring rain and we were in the city. The roads were messy with pot holes, traffic lights and chocolate milk puddles up to our pedals. I rode at the front for a rather large portion which was nerve wrecking. It was hard to see with the rain and we couldn't hear each other. It seemed we were all experienced road riders so we kept the pace somewhat moderate but slow enough to not lose anyone. Hand signals were a plenty. I slammed into a pothole at one point that felt really bad on my back tire. Not long after that we hit some unsurfaced road where I got a pinch flat on my front tire. We changed it out quickly and I was grateful that we had a support car with a full sized pump to make things easier. I guess I should start carrying a change of tube ;). Big time thanks to the guys having tools. I was still worried about my back tire though.

Drying out on the pier

Upon arriving in Burlington the rain finally stopped and the sun came out. We grabbed a coffee and socialized on the pier drying out and waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. A quick (and amazing) lunch break full of fresh fruits and veggies had us re-fueled. Some layers came off and rain jackets got packed away. Wet clothes were strewn about the sunny hillside. Some of the cyclists were riding back to Toronto and, well, I am so easily peer pressured so I joined them. I couldn't help it, the sun was shining and I wanted more riding. Not to mention I was having a good time with some great new people.

The whole group. Too bad some folks chickened out due to the rain because it turned out to be a spectacular day! (photo courtesy of ICD)

I love this creative photo Chris took. (photo courtesy of ICD)

Within the first 5k I could feel my back tire was majorly lacking in air pressure. We stopped and filled it up but by the next day the tire was completely flat. The ride back was much more enjoyable in the hot sunny weather. We were flying along at a very reasonable pace. Faster than I've ever been able to maintain and it felt super easy. Perhaps because it was mostly flat? Probably.

Oh and the diabetes, how could I forget about the diabetes? This was a cycling trip planned BECAUSE we all have diabetes. This just goes to show how much a part of our lives Diabetes has when we are able to ignore it’s existence. We all did great. I, personally, finished the day with near perfect BGs. No highs, no lows, just….. a perfect win! There were no other D’mergencies amongst the rest of the folks either aside from a slight low or two. We did get time to sit around and talk about it as we often do. I'm glad I'm not the only one that doesn't trust those pesky insulin pens to deliver a precise amount.

Yeah I know, you don't even have to say it! This is me on no sleep

I'm glad I chose to go despite not wanting to ride in the rain. I would have seriously regretted it if I skipped out. Sure I would have gotten some actual sleep but it was a small price to pay for a good day on the bike. The people I was with made the wet suffering a team effort and we were rewarded with a beautiful day in the end. We were lucky to have two support vehicles which made us feel safe and comfortable out there. Major thanks to those drivers, major. The rubber side always stayed down.  

The "fast" group on our way back to Toronto. Loving it! (photo courtesy of ICD)

June 12 of 12

I missed last month which bums me out. So here goes for June!

1. Good morning low blood sugar, how are you? Guess that ride last night was harder than I thought.

2. Mid-morning. This stuff is the shit. I buy out Target any time I'm in the states.

3. Chlorophyll water. Tastes like grass and I like it.

4. I went to have my post-op check-up from laser eye surgery. This is the leftover damage from the procedure. It doesn't hurt, it just looks ugly.

5. Sticker of Ganesh on the window on my car. This is my second car with this sticker. He is supposed to be a "protector of obstacles." I'm totally non-religious in every sense but I picked up these stickers in India and I think he's perty darn cute. Plus, people always recognize my car.

6. Had time to kill before the MEC ladies only group ride. I am almost totally vegan. EXCEPT for the need for cream in my coffee.  Haven't been able to change that yet.

7. Hanging out in my car waiting for the ride.

8. New work on the sleeve last week. Eventually it will all come together. Eventually.

9. It's supposed to be a women's only ride but it hasn't gained a lot of interest yet. There was only three of us and 1 was a boy. You can tell by the blurriness that we were going like, super fast. :P

10. Turning the camera on myself.

11. Something pretty

12. I'm down to this many drugs at night. I'm still struggling with side effects so I'm holding steady at this dose for awhile before going lower. This has been a very hard road to get off these drugs. I can't believe how much of a huge affect these wee little granules have on me.

My suck needs to get better

So where the fuck have I been?

The long and the short of it is: Trying to accept that I suck at racing.

Yes, this post is full of hijacked photos because who can afford them?! thank you Sportszone and Ivan Rupes. I linked to you, that makes it better right?

Thanks for the picture of me wiping my nose. This was the race where diabetes ruined it for me.

I've been cycling for a really long time but this is my second season trying to race. Notice how I use the word "trying". I didn't race very much last season after all the racing I did in the states with TT1 because I was too intimidated and afraid of my local racing options. Something I probably should have remembered for this year. I found that every race that I had the opportunity to attend was way too difficult for me. Ergo there was no point in even signing up because I knew I would just get my ass handed to me. Which is exactly what keeps happening. I know what it's like in other places thanks to old team mates but around here there are only a handful of races to choose from all season long. In addition to that, the population of women racing is absolutely pitiful. I'm talking handfuls in comparison to the fields in the states. The larger the field, the more likely we can all race better.

This year I thought I could pull off some actual results. I guess I thought I had horseshoes up my egotistical ass or something. 7-8 weeks during the winter training months without a bike didn't help.

One of the few races I stayed with the field for half of it.

With every race so far this season I have lost all my motivation and determination. Bike racing is in a world of its own. A very strange world at that. It's not like running where every finisher gets a medal and a congratulations. If you don't finish with the main field they practically remove the finish line. I'm constantly getting dropped and lapped and subsequently racing alone. This leaves me embarrassed and discouraged. Bike racing is all about the slipstream. It's about drafting off other cyclists, using each other and working as a peleton to get to the finish line faster and hopefully, as a group. Drafting takes away 30% of the work. There are tactics and game changers. But when I'm off the back and riding alone I just want to crawl under a rock and disappear. Don't even get me started on Killington "Stage" Race.

I know I suck. It's obvious that I suck. I am one hell of a good cyclist but not a strong enough cyclist to race at the level needed to stay with the field. I want to blame some of it on the courses, the lack of races and the small fields but I know that's just my ego not wanting to admit to my downfalls.

It's hard to lose dignity but I am woman enough to post this embarrassing picture publicly. From the wall of Effingham Hill at 15-16% grade. It wasn't just me though.

I thought about the effort I was putting into training and whether it was enough. You get out what you put in right? I know I'm not the most serious cyclist. If I want to kibosh an evening of training to go rock climbing with Ryan instead I'll do it. If I just don't want to go do hill repeats I won't. I didn't have a strict training schedule either. I did some hill climbing, intervals, drills and what have you but nothing was written down. Sometimes I had an idea but most of the time it was just that... time on the bike. I worked hard at all my efforts but it never seemed to change much. Or at least not that I noticed. I don't think I have what it takes to be hardcore on the training front. If I am put into a schedule I'll do everything in my power to get out of it. I simply can't train that way or it will make me miserable. So if I can't train seriously, how do I expect myself to race seriously? I'm the kind of person who will choose an easy paced group ride with friends because it's social over a solo hard training ride. It's just who I am.

Racing alone...

...and again. I smiled because I saw Ryan.

I want to love cycling again and so I'm taking the rest of this year to just build my base up. Ryan and I are no longer using the "T" word ("training").  I will reassess again in the fall or next season to see where I'm at. I'm still going to ride hard and often so with any luck I'll be ready to try again in the spring and if I'm not? Well, maybe bike racing just isn't for me. Maybe I just don't have that edge. It's a shame though because nothing beats the thrill of racing bikes. There's something I just can't convey about it. It's just that it always seems to be a solo time trial effort every race for me. This means I don't even really get the experience and practice of group riding either.

In the end, it's just "circles turning circles". That's what I need to love again. It bites the big one to write this and I've had it written for a few weeks. I don't really want to publish it.

It's not easy to admit to suckage, especially with something I love SO MUCH!

Seeing is neat-o!

Firstly, I miss blogging. There have been many reasons for my absence and probably a blog post for each of them.

Maybe I’ll go into detail… if there were more hours in the day. I miss it a lot.

Onwards! on Friday I got laser eye surgery to correct my near-sightedness. This comes with a story of course! Needless to say it'll be a long one. I'm not offended if you just skip to the end where I write about the funny things. Kind of like the blooper reel!

So laser eye surgery is nothing new. With diabetes though it poses more risks. Obviously when it first came out I wanted it but my vision was continuing to degrade and the procedure was super expensive.

Year after year my prescription got worse. Getting laser would be pointless if I would be in glasses a year later. 5 years ago I totally abused my eyeballs. I over-did it on the contacts to the point where I eventually (and permanently) ruined my eyelids from over-use. I was forced to wear glasses full time. I HATED glasses. I asked my optometrist what she thought about laser. My vision had stayed stable for over a year. She wasn't keen on it at all, she was concerned about my diabetes. However, she also wasn't educated with laser (at all) maybe because she would lose my business. I went to a very reputable centre for a consult to investigate.

I was told there were 4 tests to pass to qualify to be a candidate.

1: my vision needed to not change for at least a year.

2: I needed to have sufficient cornea depth.

3: No history of any damage to my eyes from diabetes and no sign of damage

4: my A1C needed to be low’ish but more importantly, no drastic changes in the past year.

At that time I qualified. However the cost was going to be over $5000 and they wouldn't do both eyes at the same time because of the risk with having diabetes. That didn't make any sense to me but I couldn't afford it any way.

A couple months ago I was losing my shit and my patience with not knowing what seeing was. With contacts I could see but only out of one eye. For some reason one of them never EVER sat right. It caused me stress headaches and irritation so thick and bitchy that you could almost touch it. I used them for sports ONLY. Glasses? I could sort of see if I tilted my head back and looked through the centre of the lens. I can attest that driving wasn't overly safe. I had these stupid fucking clip on sunglasses which I called my “granny glasses” and they never left the car because they were so ugly.

I went back for a laser consult this time with the intention of having it done no matter what the cost. It was $3800 for the record. I would finance it. I passed all the tests again and this time I went in with a good consistent lower A1C than I've ever had. They told me I was a perfect candidate and made very little mention of my diabetes. It wasn't even an issue.

Now, for the first time in what feels like a lifetime, I can see! I can see EVERYTHING! I can see far! I can read signs! I feel so absolutely privileged now. I'm sure the novelty will wear off but I don't think I'll ever forget how lucky I am or how long I waited for this day.

I realize there may be a future risk with my vision due to diabetes that I'm concerned about. After all, my initial T1D diagnoses was given to me by my optometrist. I made an emergency appointment with her because my vision suddenly changed over night. It wasn't the insane thirst or fatigue of typical diabetes diagnoses, it was my eyes. Most of those kind of changes are temporary though and I've had nothing even close to that happen in the almost 11 years since diagnosis.

The procedure:
The actual surgery was pretty neat. I am fascinated with science and technology and found myself just amazed at what they were doing. It was short. Maybe only a couple minutes per eye and most of that was the preparation before the laser. The worst of it was the pressure from the suctions they use to hold my eyeball still (and maybe the smell of burning eyeball during the few seconds of the laser part). There was no pain since my eyes were numb from the drops. I could immediately see the moment it was done but it was like looking through a frosted glass window. The worst part about the whole thing was the few hours immediately following the surgery once the numbing wore off. Yeah it hurt like a mother fucker and I really couldn't open my eyes for a few hours. Ryan nailed towels over the window to make the bedroom as dark as possible. I listened to lectures while trying not to roast in the slow cooker that was our bedroom since the temperature was ridiculous outside. Copious amounts of Advil did wonders for the pain and I was up and about the apartment by the evening. 

The things I'm noticing:
-I still move my head away while pouring boiling water (it would fog up my glasses) or opening the oven
-While driving I habitually tilt my head up to look through the part of my glasses to read signs
-Slapping my hand all over my bedside table looking for my glasses before I open my eyes in the morning.
-Shaving my legs in the shower!!!
-Showering!!
-At night, I can see stuff
-I keep expecting my "contacts" to irritate my eyes
-I don't see double lines on my computer at work (that means I should be more proficient now, right? At least less lost time to migraines).......
-.......Less migraines from straining to see
-When I get out of my car there are no clip-on granny glasses to take off (yet I still try)
-one word..... SUNGLASSES!
-after washing my face I don't have to get an inch from the mirror to see myself
-When I snuggle Ryan I don't get greasy nose prints
-plucking my eyebrows just became so much easier
-I can read street signs! Wait, did I already say that one?
-Throwing out all contact lenses, solution, cases and cleaners. Minimalism.
-Falling asleep in front of the TV
-I am still pushing my imaginary glasses up my nose
-I can see what time it is on my phone when I wake up in the middle of the night
-Subsequently, I can see what my BG is when I wake up in the middle of the night to test
-I cut up an onion the other day and it didn't burn my eyeballs
-I just can't stop staring out the window
-I keep feeling "exposed"
-I will miss how glasses helped to hide my tired baggy eyes in the morning
-I'm looking forward to yoga and not having my glasses on my forehead during inverted poses
-Waking up next to Ryan and other things I can't write about

So best shit ever. I can NOT wait to ride my bike! It will be a whole new world of seeing.

The only downside right now is the incessant migraines. It's been a constant reminder of just how much I didn't see before because it's overwhelming me right now.

Stupid Mudder

After having a few days to let my mind recover (my body is still in agony) I've come to a few conclusions.

-  The event organizers are out to punish

-  I can’t be the only crazy one if thousands of other fools signed up and did it also

-  I'm not doing another cold weather event for a very VERY long time

Can you see that sky in the background?! This picture just screams "COLD AS BALLS"

Thank you Becky for all the pictures. We forgot to get one of all four of us :(

Why this picture? Because Luke is awesome!!

Last year I did Tough Mudder (missing some pictures of course) with a really screwed up clavicle and 5 complete strangers. The event was in the middle of the summer in August. I had such a good time bonding and supporting my team of strangers that I thought it would be a fantastic event to organize with a tight group like Connected in Motion. That was under the assumption that it would be held in August again. Much to my dismay the date for the event would be spring. The thought of being soaking wet the entire time in the cold was enough to make me want to cut off my own arm so I wouldn't have to do it. This is Ontario and weather is unpredictable. Last weekend it was in the mid 20’s (Celsius) and ridiculously beautiful. Wouldn't you know that come the weekend of Tough Mudder it was calling for mighty cold and miserable weather. Included with that we were down to 3 people on our team which was a colossal disappointment to me. It would have been 4 but our dear Becky has been laid up in an air cast for months due to a foot injury. I give super huge kudos to her though for spending the day with us cheering from the sidelines and hobbling around with a camera!

Pre mudder. Waiting for the bus and totally frozen already

The course for this year

What’s it like? So many people have asked me.

My immediate answer is “MISERY”. Why would anybody ever want to do this? I wondered that myself even up until today. I know it’s about teamwork and camaraderie. It’s about helping your friends and strangers. It’s about just getting through it as a combined unit. We did that but my brain still wanted to cut my own arm off to get out of it all the way through.

I had a great time last August when it was SUMMER. Being soaking wet and muddy was nothing as long as I was warm. I hesitated when registering a team for this year when I found out it would be in May instead of August. The forecast was cloudy with a high of cold. Seriously. The temp hovered around maybe 10C (50F). Ryan had a brilliant idea and we got shorty wet suits to wear under our clothes.

I won’t lie. I was uncomfortably cold the entire time give or take a few moments when the sun came out. I didn't want to pussy out.  You see It was myself, Ryan and CIM inspiration overload, LUKE! This man’s laugh alone can brighten up any situation. He’s pretty much always cheery and full of motivation. At one point Ryan and I both said we would walk down that hill and leave if it weren't for Luke pushing us on.

The obstacles aim at getting you as wet and muddy as possible. I fell off the monkey bars into the frigid water yet at the same time I willingly jumped off the 20 foot high ledge. Half way through Ryan and I were nothing short of PERMANENTLY FUCKING FREEZING. The thought of another water obstacle was enough for us to avoid the rest and just complete the course. We did a fair bit of running which made me laugh since I don’t run any more but it kept me slightly warmer than freezing. Eventually all my muscles felt like blocks of concrete and I could barely move them enough to walk never mind run.

I had on both compression shorts and a tank under my wetsuit and a tshirt and pants on top of it all. I ripped the bum out of my pants at some point while sliding down a muddy hill. Another time it took me a good 10 minutes just to use the port-a-potty trying to get undressed and redressed with hands so frozen I couldn't operate a zipper. The thought of just peeing in the wetsuit was an option I chose not to partake in mainly because I had expensive compression clothes underneath. I'm sure it would have been warm for a few minutes but not at the risk of stinking like pee.

Only one last ski hill to climb, I can't wait for it to be over.

Was there any good? Well sort of. I mean at some point you have to look at the situation and wonder how mad we could all be. Cold, wet and hypothermic. Could that be safe at all? It crossed the line from crazy and fun to stupid and unsafe for us. I enjoyed the team aspect and helping others get out of muddy tunnels and over 12’ walls. I am proud of our little team CIM. Moments like watching Ryan do a full on back flip off the ledge into the muddy water or Luke manning up and slinking through the electric eel but I wouldn't do it again. There were smiles amongst the shivers and I love my friends for keeping me going.

That's right I thiefed pics off the site. $30/picture? I don't fucking think so!

This would be us coming through the electric shock at the end. I don't know how many times I got zapped but I sure as hell didn't like it.

Diabetes? Meh. It managed okay. Last year I was pumping and carried a small backpack with my meter bits in a water tight case. This year I had no meter and no insulin on my person the entire time. Luke unplugged from his pump and we both sort of went at it completely blind. I had a couple gels shoved in a pocket and Luke had an apothecary worth of Dex. They either had bananas or clif bars at the aid stations. Thanks to celiac I avoided the clif bars and ate a banana and a gel the entire time. I did not adjust my Lantus or Rapid. I never went low. The plan was to rendezvous with Becky to test and/or give insulin if need be but sadly the course wasn't conducive to that. When I finished, my beeg was 14.2mmol/l (255mg/dl) which I was totally okay with. Luke, on the other hand, was greeted with a 31.7mmol/l (570mg/dl). The perils of being on a pump, he was without basal insulin for way too long. Plus it’s a long day and y’know, we get hungry! Originally I had intended to find a way to carry a pre-loaded syringe but that would also require being able to test. In conclusion, Tough Mudder makes diabetes really… uhm… TOUGH. Everything from pumps to meters to fast acting sugars have to be somehow safe from water and mud.

Huge massive heart felt thank you goes to Luke for being an incredible inspiration. Thank you also to Becky for being tough enough to still come. Lastly, to Ryan for the wetsuit idea. We still froze but without the wetsuits we probably would have outright died.

I wouldn't do it again. Not unless it was in the summer and friends were more reliable. Ryan and I used the gopro until it died so we will have a video up soon. 

Springbank Crit and the tale of diabetes failure

Ryan would say: This is a "Stephen King" post because it's so long.

As a diabetic and an athlete there are so many things that can go wrong. More things can go wrong than right and that's especially true in a race. We strive to prove to the world that “we can do this”. Despite diabetes, we can do anything you can. Being on Team Type 1 taught me the importance of fighting the stereotypes surrounding type 1 diabetes. Although it takes extra work, quantum mechanics and sharp stabby things, with knowledge and understanding we can do whatever someone without diabetes can do. Or so that's the goal.

Most of the time.

Sometimes that’s not always the case. I've never had diabetes directly sabotage a race for me (except my marathon of course) until this past Sunday. It’s taken me a few days just to accept that yes, I can blame diabetes.

Let me take you through the motions…. Everything was normal...... diabetes is a fucking prick.

There, those are the motions!

Okay, okay I’ll explain. The days leading up to the race I ate and trained exactly as I always have. Boring. I ate no more, no less, no different from the usual. Boring. Our race started at 11:30 and I picked up my teammate and friend, Shelly, and we were there by 10am. Breakfast was the same as every other day of my life (boring) and was consumed with a bit less insulin than usual at 8:00am. Lantus was injected as normal at 8:30am. No adjustments made because the race was only an hour long and it was a crit. That means it would be all out power for an hour which typically drives my beeg up a little since it’s somewhat anaerobic.

It was the most beautiful day! 20mins warm-up on the trainer and 20mins before the start of the race I was down to 4.3mmol/l (77mg/dl). For fucksakes it was like a repeat of the race two weeks ago. Well, at Calabogie I drank a juice box and had stable BG’s the whole race. Why should this time be any different? Because it’s fucking diabetes and fucking diabetes is un-fucking-predictable. FUCK. I ate 2 packages of rockets (smarties for you American folks) at a combined 17g of carbs. Then ¾ of a banana (because the last ¼ was brown and mushy gross). I was expecting this to drive my blood sugar to a higher-than-comfortable range. I was also expecting this would make my stomach upset. I'll never learn that nothing with diabetes can be "expected".

It was a 2.2km circuit at 14 laps. A crazy fast downhill at the start and back stretch where we easily reached 40+km/h. Followed by an ass busting short hill and a gradual riser back to the flat start/finish straight away. The whole thing was quite narrow given it's a recreational trail and I found that terrifying. After the first lap I knew it was probably going to be a bust for me. My legs felt like concrete. I wasn't comfortable being in a tight field and had trouble owning my confidence. I stayed in the back where I felt I had space. Something wasn't right though and I could feel my reflexes were delayed. My brain wasn't firing and I felt somewhat alien. My stomach was upset also. I kept losing the field at the hills and then hammering back on essentially gassing myself on every lap because there was no recovery. By the 6^th lap I was still pedalling with blocks for legs and intentionally fell off the back and let go of the field.

Looking back, every lap after that was increasingly dragging and difficult. Finally on my second last lap my world collapsed. Sights were over-exposed. Sunlight was piercing and at the same time I was getting tunnel vision. Holy fuck was I ever low. How I didn't notice it early in the race is beyond me. It’s so easy to mistake a hypo for race nerves and adrenaline. I assumed it was just a bad day on the bike. I shoved a date in my mouth but I was already too low to chew. I rode past where my car was before heading through the start/finish but chose to fall over where there were people. I was panicked and scared. I worried that I couldn't fix myself. I unclipped at the first sign of grass I could find which happened to be the wheel pit. I dragged my bike onto the grass and collapsed while still trying to make my mouth chew. I worked my way through the 3 dates I had with me. I couldn't open my eyes because all I saw was blackness. A team mate I had met a couple weeks ago sat beside me and kept me company. He didn't even have to say anything (I couldn't talk any way). It was reassuring even if he didn't really know what to do. This was one of those times where there were only 2 or 3 people there that knew I was diabetic and one was in the middle of a race.

Time passed as I came to. I didn't remember getting where I was. I felt like I woke up in a dream (or from a nightmare to find out it was real). By the time I got back to my car I was only up to 2.4mmol/l (43mg/dl). My blood sugar continued to tank OVER AND OVER for the next 2 hours. I can only imagine how low I was during that race. I wonder what would have happened if I tried to finish that last lap? I rode the whole race low. I assumed I took a DNF but either they took pity on me or it was a glitch in the system, they didn't give me a DNF.

It shook me for the rest of the day. I was hypo-hungover until Monday night. I cried and cursed and let the emotional trauma get the better of me. I didn't do anything wrong but why did I tank? Just a bad diabetes day? Did my pancreas suddenly start making insulin? Had I injected magical insulin? It’s over and there’s no way to know. I just HATE saying, “diabetes fucked my race”. A race I was looking so forward to and one I knew I could do better at.

We had 5 of our girls in this race. Whenever I looked up I saw the 4 NovoFIT kits up in front working together as a team. In the end, they dominated the podium and I couldn't be more proud to be wearing the same colours! Even though I did nothing to get them there.

Danielle, Sandra and Shelly taking the show!

As for me? I guess I’ll live to race another day with this diabetes prick in tow.

One last quote. Words of wisdom from an old team mate, (Thank you Becky)

“being waaaaaay low is a whole 'nother animal. It's not about how strong you are. It's biology. If you don't have sugar to use for fuel, and your body is devoting it's efforts to just dropping hormones so you don't die from an ugly low, you can't race. It would be like saying your car is a piece of crap because it won't start when there is no gas in the tank. Your car could be a freaking (insert cool car here, I don't know, I drive a Cobalt), but it wouldn't matter. You're not copping out. You're being honest about the reality of what your body CAN do.”

Sometimes it really helps ease the frustration when you look at the bigger picture. Thanks Becky and for the record, I drive a Honda Fit. Not a very “cool” car either.

Riding the crazy train out of Drugville

My collection of anti-nausea meds

Many of you know that I struggle with anxiety, depression  and panic attacks. I also know many out there who struggle right along with me and can sympathize with me when I say, “I want off the drugs.”

I’ve written about it enough so the details are rather unimportant at this point. However, at this stage in my life, the curiosity of being drug-free is just too strong to avoid.

I want off the drugs or at least on a lower dose. This is my choice. There are two parts for this. Firstly, is cost. This shit is expensive yo. One day I will be without benefits so why not start figuring it out now? Secondly I truly feel I’m ready to peek around the corner to see what will happen to me without the safety of psychotropic drugs.

There are different kinds of anti-depressants. I’m on the shit that you get when nothing else works and this shit is harsh. Trying to wean off of it is akin to withdrawing from heroin I read somewhere. I started this journey about 6 months ago when I made my first reduction in dose. It was rocky but do-able. I tried again a couple weeks later and hit a wall of anxiety even I couldn’t see over so I went back up. Two weeks ago I dropped again for the second attempt. Nothing noticeable for about a week and then all of a sudden, “WHOOP”. I slid down an oiled slide lined with tacks.

Do you know what it’s like to not understand anything that’s going on? It was like this, I felt FUCKED UP! I had waves of nausea that would last on and off all day often flooring me in bed choking back enough Gravol to put me in a mild coma. My legs would ache and twitch. I felt as dumb as a pile of dog poop. Covered in dumb flies. I couldn’t seem to get my brain to function. It was on and off but for the most part I was dizzy and fuzzy. I had vertigo at times. Other times an overwhelming sense of fatigue would hit me like an anvil. I question how I even managed to brush my teeth or drive my car. It wasn’t bad all the time, just most of the time one or many of these symptoms was overwhelming me.

I kept wondering and questioning everything that was going on until it occurred to me to do a little googling. Ahhh, Dr.Google pretty much assured me that what I was going through was the withdrawal from the drugs. It took about a week being on the smaller dose before the symptoms hit and HARD they did slowly getting worse day by day.

Thanks CIM for the flat surface!

 The other night I was so stricken with nausea that Gravol wasn’t helping. I opened up a capsule and swallowed ¼ of the granules with some peanut butter. Desperate times call for desperate measures. All that was missing was a mirror and a razor blade. I felt guilty like I fell off the wagon. Just one more little hit to take the edge off, I was thinking. I couldn’t stand the feeling any more. I needed a slight reprieve. Like a smoker trying to quit or an alcoholic in AA, “Just one puff or just one sip!”

There is life after psychotropic drugs. I did a lot of research. I started taking strong doses of a really expensive Omega 3 supplement which helped with the fuzzy stupid brain symptoms. I’ve noticed an immediate difference in my ability to focus. The nausea is what it is, I keep taking Gravol when I feel sick and managing with eating less and drinking ginger tea the rest of the time. Otherwise I’ve gone and split some capsules up in an effort to lower the dose granule by measly granule. I’ll take a bit more for a few days and then remove the wee little balls.

I don’t deny that perhaps I will be on drugs the rest of my life. I don’t deny that maybe there’s an imbalance in my brain that is beyond my control but for now, I need to see how low I can go while still feeling normal. The drugs served their purpose for the past few years. I know I've had anxiety and depression issues my whole life and diabetes exacerbates it. I am not insinuating I won't need some medications to stabilize that forever. It's a mental imbalance and its probably permanent. I just feel my life has had a huge positive change so it’s time to re-evaluate. This train out of Drugville is certainly full of crazy.

Switching gears in the blog world for a HAPPIER life

I'm going to add in a different aspect to my blog and I'm not sure how it's going to work out yet.

Ryan and I are working on our life together. We've been constantly crossing paths with the idea of minimalism for quite some time now. It keeps sneaking it's way into our lives on a constant basis. It's like all trails lead here. Today is his birthday and he wanted to introduce this as his birthday gift. See below the word vomit for our first video.

We came across this way of living when we met. We instantly knew that we wanted to spend more time together. Work days were long and sometimes we had to spend a day apart and that made us miserable. Our lives were now one and all we wanted was the company of each other. How can we be together more? That was always the question. We worked out together and we spent the night at each other's places as often as we could without annoying our room mates. The days of work were long apart, too long even. He was working as a finish carpenter and was gone for up to 12 hours a day with all the commuting and such. I'm still gone almost as much because I commute far to work.

Ryan is the love of my life. I love him more and more each day. We make each other happy and that's what we want more than anything else. To be together and be happy.

We got our little cabin in the city. A 1-bed apt that is cheap yet not exactly spacious. We scaled back on our belongings. We really began evaluating our lives and what we want out of them. How can we have more time to do the things we love? Finding a cheaper way to exist for one. How can we live on less? That was the question that spawned it all. The less we need, the less we need to make and the more time we have for US.

Ryan has been able to achieve that dream quicker than I. Unfortunately, I'm in a difficult situation in my life right now. I have medical benefits through my job and without those benefits diabetes costs me far too much to pay out of pocket. I know I can look into the Ontario Trillium Program but for now I'm stocking up on all the stuff I need. I also have hellishly high insurance rates for when I crashed my car and was at fault for it. My insurance is the reason I initially had to sell my house.

I'm in a bit of a rough spot right now. I can't afford to downsize. I'm also in a bit of a fucked up place mentally because of what I did to get to where I am. I went to school and got a diploma in order to get a good paying job with a great company. I've worked many years in this industry and have no desires to climb the corporate ladder. Now that I have that good 40h/week job with benefits, I'm not sure it's what I want. I don't take my job very seriously. It's hard when I truly don't feel like I'm doing anything good for any body drawing up big fuck off houses that people don't need. It morally confuses me and I can honestly say I don't agree with it.

I'm ranting, I know.

Ultimately what we want is to work less and be with each other more. Fuck retirement when we're too old to enjoy it. You may be thinking, "yeah but isn't that what we ALL want?" Well duh, world, of course that's what we all want. This is different though. What we are trying to do is not have that need for the "stuff" in the first place. By living with less, we need less.

There will be much more to come in due time on this topic. Ryan and I are really passionate about starting a minimalist movement. We're calling it "The Less is More Project" and we invite you to follow our journey. Through our respective blogs (Ryan's blog), YouTube page and our spanking new "Less is More Project" Facebook page.

And by all means, let us know what you think! We have a shit ton of cool ideas to blog and video about as well as some rather.... interesting challenges we're giving ourselves. Including a tour of our cabin in the city eventually. We're open to tips and tricks and hack ideas to live a life of less. We will have tons to share over the coming months and are really hoping to build a community.

As promised, here is our first video. I think it's kind of retarded - actually I just think I'm a total fucktard in it but whatevs. I wasn't feeling well. We did it rather unrehearsed and with no real script so bear with us while we figure out how to make ourselves look sexier in video. Perhaps staring into the sun wasn't a wonderful idea.



I hope you will enjoy following us on this journey to less.

Also, because I mentioned it in the video here is the George Carlin bit about "stuff".

Calabogie Classic Race Report

The days leading up to this race were pretty horrible. Ryan was down with the exorcist flu. Explosive purging from both ends constantly. I left work early to take him to the ER. The next day I took off work to take care of him. He was wasted. Little did we know it would be 5 more days before he was able to hold anything down. You can read his story HERE if you can handle it, that is. I had eaten VERY little over the days he was so sick. I had no appetite at all. The drive out to Calabogie was beyond strenuous. Ryan was insistent that he still come and we spent way too many hours in the car. He writhed in discomfort in my passenger seat. We had rented a house with 4 other team mates but spent the entire evening in bed which was a bummer because we were with some rad peeps! Ryan was doing so-so but I wasn't great at all. I had a really nasty anxiety attack mixed with painful sinuses and a fever. 

The next morning was not looking promising for me. I didn't want to race. I drank NO coffee *GASP* and only managed to choke back a few spoonfuls of oatmeal. I had next to no fuel in my system and I was quite dehydrated before the race started. I reduced my bolus to half and took my regular Lantus as scheduled. I was racing at 9am which is a good time for me because I'm so insulin resistant at that time. Wouldn't you know this is the one day where things would change? 

Shelly and I warming up

It was stinking cold for an April race. I warmed up for a bit on my trainer in the parking lot and 15 min before we were to line up my beeg was at 3.8mmol/l (68mg/dl). For fucksake man. I unwillingly drank a juice box and we were off before I knew it.

This race is fucking rad. It's on a closed 5km circuit race track (for cars). I think the track looks like a dinosaur riding a scooter. It's mostly flat but I argue with that now because it was not mostly flat. My goal for this race was that I had no goal. Ride it, love it, don't take it seriously. I knew I was coming down with something. I was dehydrated and empty of fuel. I was worried about Ryan still being sick after all these days. 

The field of women consisted of a few categories. There were maybe 30 of us. We did 11 laps of the 5km circuit. No one was allowed to ride the circuit before the race so we were cruising at an easy pace. For the first time ever I moved around in the pack. I even broke free on the outside of a corner and whipped myself into a better position. I wasn't hanging on to the back for dear life riding the accordion like usual. I couldn't quite figure out what was different about this race. Were they going slower overall? there's no way my fitness could have improved. I didn't train all week. Whatever it was it felt wonderful. Exhilarating. I learned a few important tips. Firstly, never get too comfortable in a group. You have to be ON at every moment, there is no such thing as relaxing. Keeping an eagle eye on the wheels in front of you and hands hovering over the brakes. Communication is key and I saw a lot of girls making their moves be known. I also need to learn to be comfortable enough to take in nutrition and water while racing in a pack. It's just so nerve wracking sometimes!

Then somewhere around the 5th or 6th lap something horrific happened. We were on a slight incline and it happened so quick. Someone caught tires in the middle of the pack and took out a shit ton of girls. I was behind and to the right so I managed to avoid the carnage. At one point in my peripheral vision I saw a white frame go flying into the air and a body being tossed even higher. There were screams mixed with the sounds of scraping carbon fibre. It slowed me down for a second and I panicked. My first instinct was to get off my bike and go help but this was a race. There was a pace car behind us and an ambulance in the parking lot. 

The front half of the pack carried on as if nothing happened. They don't dare look back. 3 of us were left avoiding the crash and suddenly found ourselves having to chase back on. Just at the biggest uphill on the whole route. The two other girls eventually caught back on and I watched them for a long fucking time. I tried as hard as I could. I hammered it on the downhill (my strength) but just couldn't do it. My brain was not  agreeing with my legs. I looked down at my legs and said, "Go faster dammit!" I told them to turn the cranks quicker but they did not. They were gassed and so my race was over. It was now time to just settle in as a lonely single time trial. 

Lonely ride, beautiful scenery

I was pretty fucking pissed to be honest. I spent half the race comfortable with the field knowing I could finish with them so long as I stayed there. That crash was horrible. They called the air ambulance in and took one of the girls away in a helicopter. I'm grateful I wasn't in it and to be real, THAT'S what scares me about bike racing. THAT'S why I often don't have the balls to move around in the pack. Even though I know it's safer up front I don't have the power for that. When I passed Ryan he said, "You're not last!". I repeated that for the whole next lap because I thought he was shitting me.

On what I thought was the last lap a girl caught up to me. She asked if I was the leader which promptly caused me to laugh and snort. She had been caught up in a minor kerfuffle at the start line and rode the whole thing solo. We pulled over to the side only to find out we still had a lap to go! We both said "I ain't gettin' no fucking DNF today!" and off we went. By this point there was nothing left. We rode the whole lap chatting side by side. The spectators were all gone and we called it a recovery lap. Ryan was left waiting for me with my camera so she suggested we do a fake sprint. All in good fun.

Our fake sprint finish

I came in 5th in my category which consisted of only 9 ladies. I joked and said, "I bet the 4 behind me were either involved in the crash or DNF'd". I couldn't see how I wasn't the last one. Sure enough I was. Meh. Just call me DFL, Dead Fucking Last.

Overall, it was a damn good time. 45 minutes and half the race with the field was worth it. Today is Monday though and I'm sick in bed with what seems to be a sinus infection. I raced with this yesterday and now I don't feel so bad because I really felt like crap while racing. I was totally stoked about my performance and how much I enjoyed it. I had an average moving speed of 29.3kph (18.2mph) and that includes the bottom half of the race that I was doing solo and had slowed down so much for. 

My beeg was sitting at 4.2mmol/l post race. I knew it was a bit low because the hunger was intense. It shot up a bit post race as it usually does but I kicked it with a few units of insulin and rode out the rest of the day in blood sugar nirvana. A win in the diabetes world.

Thank you Ryan for taking so many awesome pictures with my camera and for being an incredible trooper. Congrats Shelly for wining first in our category!

Clif, the second love of my life

Dear Clif,

You have been sustaining my adventures for over a decade. Filling my belly when animals steal my food bag on a camping trip. Bringing me up from lows and preventing them. So easily portable and mighty fucking tasty. Without Ryan, I would be an empty shell of a human being dead inside but without Clif I'd be eating other more inferior brands of energy bars.

Once I bought a case (or two) of the Carrot Cake flavour bar and to this day I still can't imagine putting another one in my mouth. I over dosed and swore I would never do that again. Clif bars were a staple on every camping trip and during my ventures in Asia. Now I use the bars, the gels and the blocks.

I was recently sent a few new bars to sample. I received the White Chocolate Macadamia and the Coconut Chocolate Chip. Now I know these flavours are not new to most but in Canada where everything is eons behind the rest of the world they are. I buy the White Chocolate Macadamia ones when I'm across the border in the states because they are so fucking delicious but - surprise - weren't available in Canadaland.

I will also point out that Clif bars are not reeeeeally gluten free. I'm sure my guts revolt but I can't tell because they are kind of in perma-revolt. Maybe if I stopped eating things like this I would notice a difference. Bah humbug! I don't eat them often, usually for cycling and camping. Clif bars are kind of really big carb bombs so if I'm not doing something active I can expect insane BGs.

SO... I had the Coconut Chocolate Chip in the middle of a ride.

Pure deliciousness in my books. Coconut AND something chocolate? yes please!

What a Clif bar should look like with the swirly chocolate goodness.

The White Chocolate Macadamia travelled serious distances in my jersey pockets. I carried it on many rides. It sat in my car for weeks as I secretly hoped for a moment of BG neediness but the timing never happened. Finally last week at work I dug it out of my bag. It was totally flattened and squished. I literally said, "Ah fuck it, I'm just going to eat it now." Partially because it looked so sad!

Getting my massive amount of insulin ready for the carb bomb.

Pancake Clif. DELICIOUSNESS none the less! Thanks to the over-bolus my beeg did not skyrocket.

I know I should quit eating them. They don't have flour in them but they do have barley malt extract since they have rice crispie things in them. I'm sure it does more damage to my insides than good but fuck, there just isn't a tasty gluten free equivalent that I like out there.

Upon re-reading this several times I really think it's time for me to break up with Clif. It's not going to be easy but really, the unseen but totally felt gastrointestinal damage is probably not worth it. Fuck Celiac Disease!!! dammit.

I'm still stoked that these flavours are finally available in Canada though.